if the end escapes us what are we?
it’s so quiet in the world.
the road winds up into the low hills that separate the long river valley from the coast. there are landslides and washouts. to one side the land rises, to the other, it falls away steeply.
folds of dark forest and doleful clearcuts. a line of transmission towers stilting past two by two, empty-handed except for a dark hank of cable that sways like the rope left after a lynching. on the ridges, rusted turbines moan in the wind.
overhead there are vultures. dry birds with sharp eyes. they tilt their bald heads to watch her passage. hold their tongues.
shifts in pace, duration, perspective.
—
she passes through more empty towns. a logging town with yarded logs rotting in their piles. an oyster town with dirty white mountains of oyster shells. a cranberry town with gorse and alders coming up in the bogs.
—
she meets no one. living or dead.
—
after a long time suyun decides to come suddenly to the end. the road would continue if it could, but there is no more land. the pavement falls unceremoniously away, the dashed yellow line of the lane divider broken off. the thought hangs there unfinished.
…
no beach pines. no dune grass. no dunes. no sign that we were ever here. no here where we ever were.
suyun's at two places at once. she's am walking in the direction she am seeing herself walk.
she look smaller and smaller.
she feel wider and wider.
where she walk, the sand is wet. in some places it is firm and strange on the soles of my feet, in others loose and soupy.
from where she watches, the sand is dry. it hisses when the wind blows.
the first wave curves cold across my ankles. is this where she has been going?
—
she just wanted to grieve while she still had the solace of you.
the end of the world happens so quietly.
—
the next wave and the next. the next and the next. suyun continues until she feel the tug of the current. she lies back and the water draws me out, drawing her under.
the sounds of a revolver being reloaded filled the room she once called home. a messy bed, plants and pots broken down and scattered on the floor with dirt prints going from one end to another. open cabinets with clothes half tossed. everything was a mess.
everything moves in the same way. one bird. one thousand. the ocean. the moon. the sky comes all the way down to the water. suyun's somewhere below.
——————————————
"one, two, three."
her eyes looked like black holes. nothing filled her pupils, she was talking at walls and to herself. no enemies, no targets, no opposition around her. suyun had never raised a gun so aimlessly before.
she's lost. like a hunter in the wilderness with no place to go and no home to return to.
they might not find her for a long time.
and the next thought was there. panic. she tried so hard to fight it, fight the urge and try to stay positive. they must have searched so hard when multitude of bullets came from her home. but nobody was coming.
it'd be all right.
they'd come back for her. for suyun. maybe not tomorrow, but soon. soon. soon.
they'd surely find her soon and help her.
three quick shots at her bed. the hole getting larger with each passing one with the trigger being pressed on.
"shots on target."
"one, two, three."
three more bullets are shot, and still, they only leave one hole. empty shells fall, bullets are reloaded.
"one, two, three." her voice chokes up on this specific count. a hand raising up to her face to wipe away whatever smidge of tears that might have fallen before shooting again. suyun's breathing became harsh, sniffles loud as a choked cry came from the girl. she's dumb. mechanically pulling the trigger, hoping for more to come out of the chamber.
the gun doesn't respond.
"lies."
"deception."
"betrayal."
her grip on the weapon loosened, the gun falls onto the ground and empty casings around it.
"you planned to kick me out right from the very beginning, didn't you?" it was a plan that never included her.
"or did you never even trust me in the first place? was this all some kind of game to you?" she's lost, lost and alone. nothing but herself and the hollow sound of the wind blowing through the window.
she dropped to the floor and curls up against the wall.
"why...?"
her hands grabbing her head, legs curled up to her chest as she began to weep uncontrollably with no ends in sight.
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