Flinching

Even just seeing her name is enough to make your whole body ache; Hearing her voice leaves you sobbing. You should maybe just press delete – it would do wonders for your mental – yet your fingers would never allow it. Your mind believes you’ll never truly move on, and your heart still doesn’t know if it even wants to.

Work should never take priority over your girlfriend’s health, especially not when you’ve already ordered the engagement ring, but Yuna can be painfully stubborn when she feels like it. Sure, strictly speaking, she’s the one being rational here – it’s not like anything would change if you were at the appointment with her – but she’s neglecting the fact that you’re staring blankly at your laptop, mentally incapable of getting anything done until you hear back from her.

The words ‘don’t worry’ have little to no weight behind them. She can’t just tell you to not worry; that’s not how this works. Does she not realize that worrying is all you can do lately? Bad news after bad news, it’s almost too much. At this point, even just hearing her name sends your body into fight or flight mode.

Ideally, she comes back with some good news for once, ending your suffering. Not that your suffering has even a shred of validity compared to hers. Nothing you have ever gone through will compare to the constant needles, the daily cocktail of pills, the regularly scheduled scans, and all of the mental strain on top of the physical that Yuna has been fighting through.

Life just isn’t fair. That angel of a girl doesn’t deserve this, she deserves the world even if you can’t give it to her. Still, you’ll stay optimistic. Mostly for her sake, but also because you know that these days you’re on the brink of collapse. One more piece of negative news might just be your limit.

And then the door clicks.

You jump to your feet before your brain can even comprehend the fact you were holding a mug in your hand. Now you’re torn – do you rush to the door, or do you pick up the mug that now rests in two pieces at your feet. It’s sad, the way the handle and the cup are separated. They’re supposed to be one, but now they’re apart and they will never be one again.

“It’s just a mug, we have like ten more,” Yuna’s voice rings through your ears as she casually slips off her coat, watching you with a smile as you stare at the floor.

“Babe…” you mumble, feeling that unfortunately all-too-familiar wave of panic settle in your gut.

She kicks off her boots and takes a couple of long strides across the apartment until she’s right in front of you, smiling casually as if this last month hasn’t been absolute hell for her. “They’re cutting back the medication quite a bit.”

“That’s… that’s good… right?” you stammer, latching onto her shoulders.

Before answering, she leans in and kisses you on the lips. “It’s probably not worse,” she giggles, crouching down and stacking broken remnants of the mug in her palm. “Sit, feet up. I don’t want you walking around until I sweep any little shards.”

“Hold on, you sit. I’ll get–”

Yuna stands up straight and presses her finger to your lips. Her eyes are so gentle, but her gaze alone is enough to put an end to any further arguments. She’s exhausted, you can see the lack of energy in her pupils, and she absolutely does not have the strength to argue.

So, you sit, lips pursed into a pained smile that Yuna returns with a genuine one. She even gives your shin a little kick, reaffirming that she’s serious about putting your feet up; you quickly lift your legs up and lay flat on your back. Pleased, Yuna smiles brighter and turns around.

“I hope you were able to catch up on that stuff you mentioned?” Yuna adds before walking off to the kitchen.

“Yeah,” you mumble quietly under your breath, glancing over at your laptop where literally nothing has changed since this morning.

Your eyes quickly turn back to Yuna. No one else would ever notice it, but you’ve spent countless hours watching Yuna’s hips from behind while she walks – there is the tiniest limp to her step.

Out of nowhere, you feel a tiny drop slide off the side of your face. You immediately reach up and wipe it away, as well as wiping any other tears building up on your eyes. The last thing you want is for Yuna to see you like this, not when you’re supposed to be strong for her.

She returns with a small dustpan in her hand, doing all she can to hide that limp now that she sees you watching her. “I was wondering if you were in the mood for something tonight,” she squats down next to the couch and starts sweeping the area.

“Yeah, anything. What’s on your mind?” you crane your neck towards her.

“Well, you see,” she gives a final few strokes of the brush before sitting back on her knees. Her hand casually slides over to your thigh, inching towards your crotch. “How long has it been now? I haven’t taken care of this for far too long.”

Your initial thought is to scream. How can she say that? How can she even be thinking about taking care of you when she’s the one who has been spending weeks in the hospital? You can feel your blood boiling, even though you have no idea who you’re even mad at. Certainly not her, you could never be mad at her. In fact, the literal only thing stopping you from exploding is the way Yuna’s smiling up at you, and the way her hand is gently caressing between your legs.

“Babe, you have no idea how badly I want you,” you reply softly, very aware of your blood rushing between your legs with each rub. “But–”

“Stop,” Yuna hops to her feet. “There’s nothing else to add, just close your eyes. I’ll be right back.”

Your mouth opens and then immediately closes. After a tired exhale, you feel your lips curl into a smile. “I fucking love you, did you know that?”

“Yeah,” she leans in and kisses you before standing up straight and scurrying off with the dustpan. “You could say it more often though, I don’t mind,” she adds over her shoulder. “Now close your eyes, and hands up!”

You settle back into the couch, closing your eyes just like she requested and letting your arms drape over the armrest. A moment passes, it allows your body to relax. That paradoxical frustration dissipates, and you let your mind wander to a happier place.

At least Yuna is back, and thankfully she finally has good news to share. That’s all that matters: she’s healthy, she’s doing better. With that, you finally let your cortisol drop, and your fatigue starts to hit. The sleepless nights are catching up to you, and you find yourself slowly drifting away…

“Still alive?” Yuna’s quiet voice hits your ears from behind you, her presence being felt above your head. “Keep them closed for me, please.”

You nod once as you feel a soft fabric loop around your wrists, tying them loosely over the armrest – a position you’ve been in many times before. Then, you feel a gentle tug, followed by Yuna’s warm breath brushing against your cheek.

“Is it too tight?”

“No… it’s perfect,” you murmur in response.

“Good,” her hands casually slide down the sides of your neck until they slip down the top of your shirt.

Her palms glide down your chest, fingers spreading and catching against your nipples as her hands explore every ridge on your body. She presses into you, massaging with a light touch for just a moment before curling her fingers. Carefully, she slides her hand back, letting her nails scrape against your skin.

As her hands leave your shirt, you feel her silky hair fall onto your face. She catches your little jolt with her lips, pressing them firmly against yours, leaving you with the subtle taste of cherry before pulling back.

“I’ve missed your body,” she breathes against your ear, making you flinch again as the lack of vision enhances everything she does to you. “Definitely missed seeing how hard you get for me.”

“Always, babe,” you adjust your pants, knowing Yuna’s gaze is fixed on the tenting happening between your legs. “I love you.”

“And I love you,” she drops her voice another octave, whispering right into your ear before taking the lobe between her lips and playfully nibbling down on it.

She leaves you with another quick kiss on the cheek before you feel her warmth vanish. A beat passes, and then you feel Yuna’s delicate fingers slip into your waistband. She takes her time, lowering your pants inch by inch until your cock springs out.

You’re desperate to open your eyes, especially as you feel Yuna’s mouth press against your tip, sliding it in and out between her lips. With all the self-control you can muster, you keep them closed as per her request.

She lifts off your tip with a small pop, her deep breaths hitting the wet skin as her fingers wrap around your shaft and start pumping. Her thumb grazes your tip, sending shivers up your spine.

“I’ve missed your taste so much,” she moans quietly before pressing her lips to the underside of your cock.

She runs her lips up and down your length, circling your tip with her palm until her spit is evenly coated.

“That’s nice,” you gasp as her mouth returns to your cock, engulfing it in warmth once more. “Really fucking nice. God, I love you so much.”

A tiny, pleased whimper escapes her, but that’s all she gives. Now she’s focused, determined to get you to your limit as fast as possible. Her mouth works down your shaft with ease, all the way until you can feel the back of her throat.

Your thoughts turn hazy, just imagining Yuna’s lips wrapped around your cock. You haven’t felt this good in weeks, not since the last time Yuna worked your body. Frankly, you’ve almost forgotten how talented she is, how well-versed she is with what makes you tick.

It doesn’t last long at all, just a couple of minutes and you can already feel your cock twitching. You’re not sure if you’re supposed to hold back – you’re not sure if you can hold back.

Regardless, Yuna doesn’t seem to care what you do. She has one goal in mind, and her relentless bobbing up and down your cock is making it clear.

Her hand joins in now, twisting in tandem with her mouth. She gets into a steady rhythm, teasing deeper each time until eventually, her hand is simply holding your cock at the base while her mouth does all the work.

She tightens her lips around your shaft – she can tell you’re close. The cold air that hits your cock each time she pulls back lasts for less and less time as she speeds up more and more.

The pressure starts building. It’s slow for just a moment before the aching in your cock starts to overwhelm. Your breath starts to hitch, sharp hisses escape your lips.

You try to get a word out, failing miserably.

Yuna doesn’t seem to mind, and she works your cock faster than ever. She must have understood what you were trying to say based on the reassuring hum she lets out, her mouth vibrating against your cock.

Then it hits you. Suddenly, far more intense than you could have ever imagined, you feel a gush of heat shoot through your body as the first pulse fires through your cock.

You cry out as the next rhythmic spasms start filling Yuna’s mouth with warmth. Your eyes clench tighter, and your cock refuses to stop. Each little lap of Yuna’s tongue against your tip sends a fresh wave through you.

The fabric holding your wrists together nearly tears apart as you forget its existence. Your hips shoot up from the couch, and Yuna adjusts, making sure not a single drop of your cum spills from her lips.

Slowly, as everything starts to die down, you let your eyes blink open. In front of you, Yuna is staring up at you, lips still wrapped around your tip.

Once she sees your eyes open, she carefully lifts up and opens her mouth. A rush of bright white spills onto your cock, warmer and more comfortable than you expected.

She licks her lips and smiles up at you, eyes bright and shining.

“Yuna…” you gasp, “I fucking love you so much.”

“I can see that,” she giggles, running her hand through the thick cum covering your cock. “Good thing we’re just getting started.”

“Babe?” you croak, squinting towards the line of light leaking from underneath the bathroom door. You fumble around your side table and flick on the lamp before getting out of bed and walking over. “Yuna?” you call again, slowly opening the door to see Yuna hunched over the counter.

“I’m alright,” her voice is scarily weak as she calls back to you.

You rush into the bathroom and grab her waist, slinging her arm over your shoulder right before she is about to collapse onto the tiles below. You hold her up, quickly grabbing her hair as she leans over the sink and spits.

Your heart shatters and you feel your eyes immediately well up – inside the white basin are streaks of crimson.

“Yuna–”

“I’m good, I promise,” she quickly uses her hand to wash the blood down the drain. “They mentioned this might happen, but it’s nothing to worry about.”

“Nothing to… Yuna, you’re coughing up blood. I’m absolutely worrying,” you’re shaking now, tears spilling down your cheeks as you stare at her.

She’s avoiding your gaze, staring down at the sink, her arm digging into your shoulder for support while the other presses down on the counter.

You reach over and turn off the tap before kicking over a stool and slowly lowering Yuna down onto it, her back resting against the cabinet.

“Yuna, please, let’s go to the hospital,” you drop to your knees in front of her and place your hands on her thighs. “Why aren’t we already in the car?”

“No, we should get back to bed,” she responds, some of the strength returning in her words. “They have me on anti… anti something… coag-something? I don’t remember, but they said this might happen.”

“I… don’t like that…”

Yuna’s lips curl into a pained smile and she reaches up with both hands, using her thumbs to wipe under your eyes. “I’m sorry for worrying you,” she whispers gently. “I love you.”

“Don’t apologize,” your voice cracks and your eyes fill with fresh tears, immediately wiped away by her careful fingers.

“I know,” she mutters, pulling your head into her chest, running her fingers through your hair. “I know,” she repeats. “Can we get back to bed? Please? For me?”

You slowly pull back to see Yuna still smiling at you, her eyes so gentle and caring as if you’re the one coughing up blood. “Alright,” you sniffle, wiping your nose with the back of your hand before rising to your feet and holding your hand out for her.

She accepts, giving you a reassuring squeeze, and the two of you walk back into the bedroom. You make sure she gets in safely, still aware of her unsteadiness, before sliding in next to her.

“We still have that dinner reservation for tomorrow," Yuna yawns, rolling onto her side towards you. “And then the venue stuff the day after. Oh, that reminds me. They said to hold off on the deposit, some issue on their end.”

“Don’t worry about any of that right now,” you carefully brush a strand of hair out of her face. “Just rest, please.”

Even in the nearly pitch black room, you can see her expression ease. She adjusts herself again, digging her shoulder into the mattress and pulling the blanket up.

“Goodnight, I love you,” she mumbles into her pillow.

You stare at her closed eyes, trying to ignore your racing heart.

“I love you.”

Hey my love. If you’re listening to this… I’m sorry.

I know you’re probably confused and maybe a bit scared right now. I hate that I had to do it like this, I just couldn’t find the courage to tell you straight up. I tried, really, but I couldn’t. I know, I was selfish, I was weak. All I ask is that you can forgive me for this little blip, you deserve so much better. I’m sorry.

I’ll get straight to it. I’m dying. They told me weeks ago. They told me there was nothing more they could do, and I made them promise not to tell you. All they could do was prolong it, but I decided I didn’t have that fight in me anymore. I tried, I promise that I tried, but I couldn’t.

I was selfish. I wanted one last night with you. The love of my life. I love you more than anything in this world. I just wanted to be with you one last time.

You have always been perfect to me, even when we got the diagnosis. I literally could not have asked for anyone more perfect in my life. You’ve done everything and more, but I’m still going to ask for one last thing from you.

Please don’t stay mad at me for this. I probably don’t deserve it after hiding this from you, but please find it in you to forgive me. I was scared, and I am so, so sorry that I have to leave you like this. When you’re ready, please find the strength to live your life. To laugh again, to love again, even if it’s without me.

Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being my everything.

I love you, and I will love you forever, even when I’m gone.

Always yours.

Yuna.

That’s it. That’s all you have left. No goodbye, no talking it through. That’s it. Just a voice message, littered with sniffles and the sounds of her fighting tears.

It was her decision, but it left you shattered. You might never be able to move on. No, you can’t imagine a world where you could move on.

Six months have passed since that night. Six months since you woke up to the voice recording. Six months ago, you lost everything.

To this day, any reminder of her makes you flinch. No amount of time will heal these wounds – you’re certain. Every day, you stare at the message, not always having the courage to listen to her words.

Whenever you do find the strength to hit play, it just breaks you even more.

Still, you listen through it, right until the last word. Her sweet, delicate voice rings through every inch of your body as she repeats her name.

Always yours. Yuna.

You flinch every time.