feel this tremble (at this moment)

A sigh tumbles out of Ryujin’s lips as she collapses onto the floor beside Yuna and Chaeryeong. She’s gripping a bottle of water that she promptly empties into her mouth the moment she’s settled next to her friends. With a sigh, she eases her back into the cool tile beneath her.

She inhales. She exhales. She repeats.

After hours of rehearsal and shooting, they might just finally be done with filming the dance practice video for Mr. Vampire. While waiting to be given the okay to go home, Ryujin does what she can to monopolize this small moment of respite. Head flat against the floor, she tilts it so she can look over to the leader of their group – the only one of them not a sprawled out clammy mess of a person.

A few yards away from them, Yeji is in talks with a few of the JYP representatives present at the shoot. Despite it all, she seems no worse for wear. Her hands and mouth move with the energy of a girl possessed, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it is the end of the day and not the beginning. She bounces with every word and gesture, so much so that even the producers are having a hard time keeping up with her.

Ryujin gets caught staring and Yeji responds by smiling at her the way only she can – with scrunched up eyes and dimples dotting her cheeks. It’s a brief, missable moment that goes away the instant one of the men besides Yeji addresses her, but it makes Ryujin realize one thing.

She misses her.

A chuckle rumbles low in her chest at the thought of it – missing a girl that she sees and talks to everyday – but there’s no two ways around it. With the new album having just come out and Lia taking a very well-deserved mental health leave, it means the remaining four members have had a lot more on their plate than usual. Now it seems that the only time they actually see each other is when they’re on the clock.

But is sharing a snack in the car on the way from one studio to another really a date? Can the playful jabs they exchange in front of a camera replace the late-night pillow talk they used to end every day with? The subversive looks they shoot at each other on-screen, the selfish grasps they make for one another when people aren’t looking – aren’t they just echoes of what Ryujin actually wants to say to her? To do to her?

“What do you think, unnie?” Yuna’s voice enters her ears. The tone is soft, but it’s still sharp enough to cut through the haze of yearning that’s settled in her mind.

Ryujin turns her head up to see the younger girl hovering above her. There's an iPad in her hands, something the producers must’ve just handed to her. Even from where she is, Ryujin can see what’s on the screen – the playback from their latest take. She affords herself one last, lingering look at Yeji before sitting up.

“Looks good to me.” She says with an accompanying groan and stretch.

“You’re not even watching it,” Yuna pouts.

“Don’t need to.” She cracks her neck with a sudden twist of her head. “I was there.”

Yuna rolls her eyes before turning her attention back to the video. Chaeryeong’s sitting right against her, head resting on the girl’s shoulder.

Ryujin smiles softly at the sight before she joins them, more curious than she had previously led on. She knows how important it is that they do everything they can to stay at the top of their game – if not for their own personal’s sake, then at least for each other’s.

The video is silent, but the song plays effortlessly in Ryujin’s head as she watches them dance. As much as her body aches and screams, she can’t help but admit how much they’ve improved since they started this morning. Whatever issues Chaeryeong and Yuna had with the steps have all but disappeared. Even when moving onto herself, Ryujin finds it hard to be as nitpicky as she usually is. There are a few rough spots to polish, but no hard edges to deburr. It’s easy to enjoy the video after that, to relax and simply take in the fruits of their labor.

But then she gets to Yeji.

Her first thought is that she regrets finishing off that bottle of water earlier – her mouth dry and agape as her eyes stick themselves to the girl moving on the screen. There’s never not been a performance of Yeji’s that Ryujin hasn’t been completely enamored by, but this one is different.

Maybe it’s the way that every time Yeji’s eyes spike the lens, Ryujin can’t help but feel as if she’s looking at her. Perhaps it’s the hypnotic way her chest moves with every pop and lock, conveniently showing off her distinct lack of a bra, that does it. But Ryujin thinks it’s the fact that she can barely recall the last time they were together, justifies that as the reason that whatever warm comfort she had been holding in her chest is now sinking down below her waist and turning into another kind of heat.

“Like what you see?”

Ryujin looks up to see Yeji standing in front of her and it takes all of her wherewithal to swallow the whine coming up her throat. She’s been looking at Yeji all day, but something’s changed after watching that video. Now she can’t help but focus on the sweaty midriff a few feet away from her face, the loud, red lips of her mouth, or even just the way she’s standing – angled just so – as if to ask Ryujin to reach out and touch her.

“Yeah,” she chokes out, finally able to speak after who knows how long a silence.

Yeji smiles, giggling at the answer, before joining everyone on the floor. She ends up in Ryujin’s lap, hands reaching for hers to clasp across her stomach. It’s a familiar position for the both of them, but with Yeji now in her arms as well as on her mind, Ryujin realizes just one more thing.

She doesn’t just miss Yeji. She needs her.

The entrance to the practice room shuts with a resounding thud.

A moment later, Yeji’s back hits the wall with the same kind of resolve.

Hands land on either side of her head, her eyes pinned into place by Ryujin’s own gaze.

The studio is finally empty, save for the two girls plastered to the spot beside the door.

Finally, they’re alone.

At first, Ryujin was worried about how she could make this happen, but the pieces had fallen into place perfectly. After their last take, the producers were itching to make it to a nearby happy hour and so were more than satisfied with what they were given. Chaeryeong and Yuna proved a bit harder to convince, but after some particularly harsh stares from behind Yeji’s back and the promise she would cover for dinner next time, Ryujin managed to get them to leave without much more trouble. The only real concern was getting Yeji to stay after everyone had left, but that was easily accomplished by Ryujin asking if they could go over some of the choreo again one-on-one.

Yeji didn’t even have a chance to stretch before Ryujin introduced her back to the wall.

But with Yeji finally within her grasp again and work no longer a factor for the time being, Ryujin is now finding herself at an impasse – like a dog who doesn’t know what to do with his tail once he’s caught it. Teetering between the desire to savor this chance and make it last as long as possible and the impulsion to cut to the chase and make up for all their lost time, Ryujin feels almost paralyzed by the possible choice.

While she searches inside herself for an answer, Yeji is doing the same – those cat-like eyes of hers scanning Ryujin’s face for an explanation.

“I can’t wait anymore,” Ryujin says preemptively. Her words come out coated in a strange mix of desperation and frustration.

“Can’t wait for what?”

The words that come from Yeji bely the look that’s spread on her face, not so much confusion as much as anxiousness and excitement. If they had come from anyone else, Ryujin would think they were insincere, but Yeji’s not anyone else. Even with her back against the wall and Ryujin breathing down her neck, there is not a single ounce of presumption inside her.

“For this.” She leans in and rests her head against Yeji’s, the tips of their noses barely brushing against one another’s. “For you.” Ryujin almost wants to laugh at how easily she’s handing over this blatant admission of want, but Yeji’s the only one she knows she can trust with it.

“I told myself that I could wait until we were done with the album, but then it came out and we just started working harder. Now, we’re even busier and we never have time for…we never get to…” Ryujin takes a breath. She grabs a fistful of the bottom of Yeji’s red top and pulls her closer until their chests are touching. “I can’t wait anymore.”

Gradually, Yeji’s breaths have taken on more and more air as Ryujin has talked and looked at her, but now they’ve disappeared in this sudden lull. Then, Yeji gulps and her breath comes out even heavier than before.

“It’s been hard for me too.” She reaches down for the fingers grasping her shirt and replaces the wrinkled fabric in Ryujin’s hands with the beds of her palms. “Every time I pass by your room…or see you spending time with the others…I just want to grab you and pull you away and…” She glances at Ryujin’s lips briefly before turning to her eyes. “And kiss you.”

Ryujin finds herself tickled by the statement – so innocuous and chaste. It relaxes her and reminds her of how easy it’s always been between them.

“Well, what are you waiting for then?” She chuckles. “Kiss me.”

And so she does.

Yeji leans up, mouth forward, lips catching on Ryujin’s. The kiss is eager, confident, but not without lacking coordination. It’s almost as if Yeji’s been planning how their first kiss would be after this touch-starved hiatus ended.

Pushing back against her, Ryujin does her best to gain control. There are things she wants to take from her before she can give it all back, selfish wants Ryujin needs before she can offer herself up properly. She cups one of Yeji’s breasts through her shirt and rolls a nipple between her fingers.

Yeji groans and Ryujin takes the opportunity to break off the kiss. She walks her lips down the side of her mouth, across the edge of her jaw, and plays a scale down the flute of Yeji’s neck. Her fingers wrap around the bottom of Yeji’s shirt and she starts to pull it off.

Arms raised, Yeji helps Ryujin with the maneuvering of the tank top off her body before letting it fall to the ground beside them.

Ryujin only has a moment to admire the nude torso in front of her before she sees Yeji’s arms already lowering. “Don’t.” She reaches for Yeji’s hands and pins them above her head. “Keep these here for me, okay?”

Yeji doesn’t need to know or ask why before nodding in response.

Ryujin smiles and her fingers traipse down the length of Yeji’s arms. Black nails etching red lines into pale skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake – they don’t stop until they reach her waist. She puts a hand on each hip and pushes her firmly against the wall.