The One You Turn To

In your final moments, there is only one person you can think of ever turning to. It wasn’t even hard really—it shouldn’t be. Not when she exists.

The one that has been your strength and stability this entire time—Kim Gaeul.

On your left, she’s somehow in the state that you imagine her to be in: stoic, unflinching, and resolute. Your group never took to giving each other informal roles or labels, but if Gaeul were to receive one, it would be ‘group counselor’. She would always take the words out of your mouths—always knowing what to say. She was gentle and meek yet confident and certain in herself. The one who could temper even the most volatile of storms. The one who would hold on so desperately even if it would hurt her much less to let go. But that wasn’t the only role she filled in your life.

Kim Gaeul was the one you always turned to.

Staring into her dilating pupils, you catch but a brief silhouette of an object within her irises—it’s a fleck of light. It’s tiny. Almost imperceptibly ignorable. But when you focus on it, your own eyes go wide—not in horror, not in fear, but rather, in awe.

As the mote of possibility beams right at you, swallowing you whole, you accepted your momentary blindness and allowed the unknown to consume you.

“You’re kidding. She really said that?”

While you continue to bombard Gaeul with questions like you’re exchanging gossip, she continues to tend to her stock of flowers. It’s well past closing time, and to be quite frank, both of you should be heading home by now. But Gaeul’s not the type to leave work without attending to everything she can first. You’re just tagging along with her and keeping her company as she does.

“I told her she needs to start viewing their relationship seriously. Otherwise, the next time he cheats on her again, she’ll be in shambles and it would all be right back to where they started,” she sighs through her lips that shifted from side to side, indicating that she’s pondering on something else. “Do you think the blue ribbon or the yellow ribbon would look nicer here?”

“Yellow one for sure. Matches the color of the flowers. But wait, was there really … a recording?”

Gaeul chuckles and shakes her head in disbelief. “Ya, are you more interested in Yujin’s wellbeing or do you have some ulterior motives?”

You throw your hands in the air in blatant surrender, not wanting her to press further on getting the wrong idea. “Just curious is all. How do you end up with all these stories? And recently too. I haven’t seen Yujin myself in ages.”

“Well, if you must know,” she explains, lacing the bouquet with the ribbon of your choice. “Sometimes the girls pass through here after hours. Just like you. Whenever they do, I know it’s not to spend some time with me or take me out somewhere nice for a change. It’s always because they need advice or help with something.”

“That … doesn’t sound very comforting to me.”

But Gaeul shrugs it off like it’s nothing to her. “I got used to it. I mean, are you not here because of the same thing? I can at least tell you’re bored. Work getting dull for you?”

How do you tell her? How do you tell Kim Gaeul that you’ve been frequently visiting her little flower shop here for the past few weeks because for the first time in what feels like forever, you finally got confirmation that she’s single—and you wanted to act on it.

You force out a chuckle that sounds heartier than intended. “Can’t I visit my favorite unnie once in a while? I like to believe I’m not like the others. I actually enjoy spending time with you like this.”

She crinkles her nose and fluffs her cheeks in that adorable squirrel-like way she always does to combat your constant yapping. “Mhm~ You totally do not hang around me in the hopes of me baking you another batch of cookies, do you?”

“Caught red-handed. I fucking love your cookies, unnie.”

Before either of you could fall down another slippery slope of nostalgia, Gaeul finishes decorating the last of her bouquets and begins covering them back up, sealing them carefully in preparation for another day of sales tomorrow. “Well, that’s the rest of them. Thanks for staying with me even past midnight, sweetheart. I’ll have to find some time for those cookies now for sure.”

Sweetheart. She calls everyone sweetheart. And deep down, you wish she would call you something else. Something more unique. More personal.

Something just for you.

You help Gaeul sweep the floor and wipe the tables while she starts locking up. She struggles to reach the metal grate, but with practiced ease, you tiptoe and manage to hook your fingers around the handle. With one powerful yank downwards, you send it barreling to the ground, securing her shop behind it.

“I might just hire you as a regular employee if you keep this up,” she teases, locking the grate securely. “I sometimes have to drag a chair out here just to reach it—it’s embarrassing.”

“You do look like you need some help. In more ways than one,” you raise as you wrap a scarf around your neck. It’s still well into autumn, but the weather’s been getting chillier than usual lately. “Let me walk you home.”

“Ya, your apartment is the opposite way. I can handle myself,” she objects, stuffing her small hands into her pockets. You fight the urge to try and hold them to keep her warm. “I might look like a helpless kid at times, but I know how to fight back, you know?”

“Please, you couldn’t even hurt a butterfly—OW! What was that for?”

Pleased with the damage she’s done, Gaeul shakes her curled fist off and smirks menacingly. “Nothing~ Just a reminder to watch your words.”

Biting your lip, you lean forward and try to hide the blush on your face. “Whatever, unnie. I’m walking you home, and that’s that.”

“So dependable~ My knight in shining armor.”

And that isn’t such a bad idea. You kind of like that. It’s such a childlike way of saying it, but it’s the fact that it comes from Gaeul that your heart gets set aflutter on your long walk to her apartment.

“Do you … Are you seeing anyone?”

Gaeul nearly slipped on her own foot when you ask her that question, leaning against a fire hydrant to fix her slippers before continuing on your walk again. There’s a moment of silence, a pause in your stroll where the only thing that can be heard are both of your footsteps, but when she returns to the thought, she gives you a straightforward response. “No. I’ve been single for years. My hands are too tied right now—they always seem to be.”

“That’s only because you can’t say no to anyone, unnie. You keep taking on requests and job orders from schools, funeral services, even the government—but do they pay you each time?” you offer up, trying to provoke some thought into her. “Ya, that’s why you can’t afford to hire any employees. You’re slowly running out of money for the business, aren’t you?”

“That’s … You’re very perceptive, aren’t you?”

You shrug, trying to match your pace with hers. She’s not even looking ahead anymore, just staring at the concrete tiles shifting beneath her feet. So you make it your responsibility to watch the sidewalk for her. “Anyone would have noticed, unnie. Not just me. You take on everyone’s burdens like they’re your own. But what about your own struggles? Who do you share them with?”

Silence once again.

“You sure you aren’t trying to persecute me? Sounds an awful lot like you are,” she comments, but her tone this time doesn’t even sound in jest anymore. But you let her continue with her head down still. “Once upon a time, I could wear it with pride, you know? Being the go-to person for help. You were all so cute back then too as we grew up. ‘Gaeul-unnie, what about …?’ ‘Gaeul-ah, could you tell me …?’ Those were the days … And now …”

She pauses, and so you slow down to a halt too a few steps ahead of her. Gaeul’s clutching her hands tightly in front of herself, refusing to look anywhere else but downwards. “And now, I don’t even … I don’t even have the energy in me to even thinking about my own problems.”

Gaeul gasps as she feels hands come around hers—but it’s you. You lift them up so now you’re both holding each other, and you give her smaller palms a firm squeeze. “Tell us, unnie. You know you can depend on us too, right? Whenever someone comes over to rant to you, rant right back at them. You can rant to me too. I’ll be your listening ear anytime.”

But Gaeul shook her head. “It’s not like that. Listen, let’s just drop—.”

“Gaeul.”

Her eyes widen like an owl’s, and yours almost do the same too. Both of you are in disbelief over what you just said, but you own up to it. “Gaeul—.”

“So I wasn’t just hearing things. You really just called my name. Straight up. Just like that.”

You rub your nape, exhaling through clenched teeth. “I don’t mean any disrespect. I just wanted to … I just thought you would … listen to me more if you saw me as an equal.”

Her expression morphs back to one of amicability. “Go on.”

You clear you throat and prepare yourself to say her name for a third time. “Gaeul … You can’t just sit around and live as everyone’s emotional punching bag. Everyone has their limits too. And besides, you’re … you’re more than that. You’re kind, and understanding, and way more mature than anyone your age—.”

“Let’s maybe not talk about ages?”

“Fine, you’re the most mature person I know. Better? Anyway … you have to stop letting people walk all over you. But at the same time, you need to start letting people in.”

“In?”