Lines Blurred and Crossed

The storm outside has faded into a light drizzle. The sunlight seeps through the still closed curtains of my room. I woke up with an arm wrapped around my stomach and Chaeryoung's body pressed close to my back. I can feel her warm breathing on my neck with a few soft snores spread in irregular intervals. She didn't make me wake up in an empty bed, I thought. Well that's also probably because I woke up first. 

I held her hand wrapped around me and I felt Chaeryoung stir. Instead of pulling away though, she pulled herself closer and tighter to my body.

"You awake?" Chaeryoung murmured sleepily.

"Just woke up," I replied. "Surprised you're still here," I added.

Chaeryoung huffed softly. "Why? Did the others leave you in the morning?"

"Seulgi did. I found Yeji munching on cereals then Ryujin trying to sneak out my living room window," I recalled with a faint smirk.

Chaeryoung released another breathy scoff, "I would've left, if I woke up first," she confessed.

"Good thing I woke up first," I quipped, to which I received no reply. Slowly, I turned to face Chaeryoung. She looked cute, her cheeks a little bit swollen from sleep and her eyes half lidded like she still wants to close them. I gazed at her for a few heartbeats, a hand resting on her slim waist.

"Chaeryoung," I added. "About last night—"

"Seren—"

"It wasn't just heat, was it?" I asked before she can fully interrupt me.

"Seren—" Chaeryoung repeated with a sigh.

"It felt different. Don't say otherwise," I tried to keep my voice down so as to not agitate her. Chaeryoung is still a werebeast huntress, someone who can take me out of she wanted to.

"It's not—" she replied avoiding my eyes. "It's just sex. Just like you did with Yeji and Ryujin," Chaeryoung justified, though I can hear the hesitation in her voice.

"Was it?" I pushed. "Yeji and Ryujin were indeed fiery, passionate, but their intent was clear. Just sex. You however —"

"I was in heat, Seren," Chaeryoung whispered softly, which I thought was half-true.

"You felt like you were making love, Lee Chaeryoung. Making love with –"

"With you?" Chaeryoung raised her head and cupped my cheek with one hand. Her eyes held mine, I expected mockery in them, but I saw affection and a little bit of guilt.

"Perhaps," she finally said. "Perhaps I was attracted to you, Seren Vale," Chaeryoung held my gaze, her eyes commanding me not to look away. "Perhaps I liked how selflessly brave you were when you kept Jimin safe during the attack at the Archives — most men would have fled or abandoned all sense if thrown in a situation where Riders of the Hunt and werebeast huntresses are about to clash. Perhaps I liked that you treated me, Yeji, and Ryujin as friends, not as the glorified body guards that were assigned to protect you. And perhaps this is just sex, a physiological need —"

"—but?" I asked as Chaeryoung paused to breathe.

"But you are my mission," Chaeryoung's voice broke slightly, regret tinged in her voice. "If we met in different circumstances then perhaps, but, even if we did, you still have Jimin in your life, and she's my friend. I don't know how serious Yeji was when she said she'll stake her claim on you, but I won't place myself in between a friend of mine and someone I potentially have feelings to."

"Chaeryoung—" I stuttered, my mouth unable to find the words to reply with.

"Don't be guilty, Seren. I'm a werebeast. I live longer than you probably would — if you were human. There's plenty of time to find someone special." Chaeryoung responded with a faint smile that broke my heart and melted the pieces at the same time.

"And don't worry about the pain, I haven't fallen that deep with you yet." Chaeryoung teased half heartedly. She then tried to rise but I stopped her. To her surprise, I pulled her in and kissed her deeply. I felt her smile as she allowed herself to indulge in the sensation of our lips colliding — until she pulled away.

I stared at her eyes which now held a bittersweet hue, "I'm yours for this morning, Chaeryoung—"

"Don't say that," Chaeryoung whispered gently, closing her eyes before pressing her forehead on mine. "Saying that gives me hope, gives me possibilities. Better set the line now, saves us a lot of pain moving forward."

Chaeryoung then gave me a quick peck in the lips before rising off of the bed and making for my living room where her clothes lay discarded. What she said stunned me, and it made me think of Jimin. Our line wasn't set — wasn't defined. Should we have? Or did Jimin and I just set ourselves up for pain and suffering?

I felt like I knew the answer, yet I refuse to acknowledge that I do— or that there even was an answer to that question. Acknowledging it means acknowledging the possibility of letting go of Jimin. And I was not ready for that. 

Memories then surged in my mind, of a girl with short brown hair. Her bright smile and her cute chuckles brightening every darkness I had in my mind back when I was an angsty teenager looking for his parents and thinking that my grandmother wasn't doing enough. Memories of a girl who developed control over flames when she made the candles of the birthday cake I gave her burst into flames before I even lighted them. Memories of the same girl being taken by the Night Ladies to be trained as a sorceress in their ranks. Memories of the first girl I loved, and the first one I gave up. Jimin wouldn't — shouldn't end the same way — I vowed to myself.

A soft knock on my bedroom door pushed me out of my trance. Chaeryoung stood fully dressed on the threshold, her other hand clutching the handbag where she placed her sewing tools.

"I, uh—" she hesitated.

"Yeah. Can you wait for me outside while I put some clothes on?" I asked, no, implored.

Chaeryoung nodded and closed the door to give me some privacy. It took me a moment before I moved — long enough to think that Chaeryoung would have just left and not waited for me. I washed my face before putting some clothes on — a tshirt and shorts. I exited my room and found Chaeryoung sitting on the couch she patched up last night.

Sensing my presence, she turned to face me. She looked concerned, and I can't blame her. The reflection I saw on the mirror was a wreck — it wasn't the reflection of a man, but a boy – a boy who knows nothing and, shamefully, can do nothing.

"Are you okay?" Chaeryoung asked as I sat on the couch opposite her.

"As fine as I can be," I replied.

Chaeryoung smiled as she immediately understood the sarcasm in my voice. "I won't pretend to know or understand how you're feeling," she started. "But if you need someone to listen, you have me, you have Jimin, and — if they would take you seriously ‐ you also have Yeji and Ryujin."

I managed a soft chuckle. "Yeji would, I don't know about the other one."

Chaeryoung chuckled back, "You'd be surprised. Ryujin can be... mature if she wanted to be."

I smiled faintly, recalling the question she asked the night we had sex — "What reason do we need to do anything?" A lot, I answered to myself. Love, family, loyalty, principle, beliefs, morality, and the list goes on and on. But among those, what reason did I had to have sex with her? Was it "physiological need" in the same manner that Chaeryoung was in heat last night? Was it emotional and psychological release like the time Yeji and I did it? Was it because there was underlying feelings like between Jimin and I? Or was it only just sex just for the act of it, just for the pleasure and for nothing else?

"You have a lot on your mind," Chaeryoung pulled me out of my thoughts. "I can see that much."

"It's—"

"I understand, Seren," Chaeryoung interrupted. "Your situation is... unique... and difficult. But again, you don't have to face them alone." She looked like she wanted to reach for my hand but otherwise settled on clutching her hand bag.

"Thanks, Lee Chaeryoung," I responded sincerely. "For being here... and for patching up my couch."

Chaeryoung giggled, a soft cute sound that made me smile in spite of myself. "Clear your mind for now, Seren. You have an interview scheduled."

I closed my eyes and groaned, dipping my head as I recalled that Shin Yuna and Seol YoonAh would be coming over to interview me about the attack on the Archives. Chaeryoung chuckled again, teasing my discomfort.

"You'll be fine, like you said, you can probably overpower two slender girls by yourself," Chaeryoung teased.

"If they're human," I responded.

"If they're not, then just hold off long enough to give us a call and we'll come running," Chaeryoung assured me with a sweet smile.

"And what if I can't?" I asked, doubt evident in my voice.