Drive

In another life, this is a perfect night. Weaving through the twists and turns of a familiar mountain road. Convertible top down, sunglasses on as the sun disappears. Music louder than it should be. Not a single concern on your mind.

No, in this moment, as the summer breeze flows through your hair, you feel weightless. You feel free. You feel alive.

Now if only the passenger seat wasn't empty.

…

You’ll always remember the day you met Yeji.

It was the first time she caught you staring. It’s a trend that would continue—obviously—but this time was different. Your eyes were enraptured by the moon’s reflection across the turbulent waves, watching the water rise and fall in unpredictable, beautiful waves. Their chaos mirrored your mind as you searched for answers to questions you lacked the words to even describe.

Thus, when her words were picked up by the frigid winds and carried into your ears from across the pier, of course you didn’t know how to respond.

"Didn’t you hear me? I asked, what're you doing out here? It's nearly midnight!"

Then again, she could have asked your name and you would have drawn a blank.

It wouldn’t be the last time you’d be left speechless around her; Yeji always did seem better with her words. Yet somehow, in this initial moment—the start of something truly special—it seemed someone somewhere was looking out for you, handing you a response like a cue card.

"You know, I've been asking myself that for a while now. Wanna help me figure it out?"

And there’s this sparkle in her eyes, like she’s hoping for that last little push, so you wave her over and thank the stars above that she accepts. In the hours to come, as you huddle close, sharing stories and learning about the lives you’ve lived so far and the lives you wish to live in the future, you thank said stars once again. Because somehow, some way, you end up lucky enough that she stays to watch the sunrise.

But you can’t help but wish for just the slightest bit more. You can’t help but wish that she’ll stay forever.

…

Even with a gun to your head, you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone much about your first date two weeks later. The only thing you’d be able to tell them about was the kiss. Because while the rest of the night mattered, nothing but the kiss mattered.

Who cares about the color of her dress?

The only sight saved in your memory was the firework show playing against your eyelids.

Who cares how good the food was?

Your mind was too busy tumbling into insanity at the faint taste of strawberry on her lips.

Who cares about the venue of choice?

All you’ll remember is how her lips upon yours felt like home.

There is, however, one other detail that stuck with you. You made it back safely—and more importantly, so did she—and it’s only when you parked that you realized you had no recollection of the drive home. For the first time, your brain hadn’t treated the opportunity to drive as a priority.

Even then, it made sense; despite the novel sensation, you felt anything but surprised. Because from the very first moment Hwang Yeji stood by your side, you knew that you had discovered a higher priority. The highest priority.

…

“I love you.”

A phrase uttered nearly every hour of the day, yet one of the few things you two disagreed on. Because neither of you refused to believe the other said it first. It was a losing battle, especially since you said it simultaneously after staring into each other’s eyes for longer than you could remember, but as much as you both tended to compromise, stubbornness reigned supreme here.

Yeji tended to argue that she definitely said it first as she always had a quicker wit and was far more likely to have the first word (or three). Your counter was always that you kept things simple, so there were fewer distractions between you and what you wanted to say.

Your argument was weaker, there’s no doubt, yet you stood firm. Mostly because these conversations had a habit of going around in circles, with each of your points being put forth, listened to, then promptly ignored. And while neither of you were able to declare yourself the winner of these “battles”, you both left them feeling victorious.

Because the conversation always ended in the same place. Where it always did. Where it always would. With those same three words.

…

In retrospect, it’s a testament to whatever meager bits of self-control remained within that you kept your hands off Yeji for so long. However, a rainy night that left you both racing towards your apartment changed everything.

The door slammed behind her.

You felt that control begin to falter.

The rain slid down her skin slowly—far too slowly—before falling to the floor below.

You loosened your grip even further.

She pushed you against the wall and crashed her lips against yours.

You conceded to her entirely.

For you both, it was a boiling point, a release of tension, an evolution in your relationship, a miracle, a feeling so fucking amazing that you both forgot how to breathe—

And once your survival instincts forced you both to break away from the kiss and finally satiate your need for oxygen, it wasn’t the scent of Yeji’s rose shampoo that made your heart find a way to shift into seventh gear. No, it was the metallic taste seeping out of your lower lip.

It was the way she hungrily ran her tongue over those fangs that had marked you.

It was the predatory smile she gave as you audibly gulped.

It was the way she grabbed, spun, and pushed you back until you stumbled over the arm of the couch.

It was how she pounced on you.

It was the way she turned you into prey.

And for the rest of the night, even hours later when your soaked clothes were long forgotten and your only defense against the raging storm was the heat emanating off of each other’s bodies, the cold was the least of your concerns.

Because you were together.

Finally.

…

It was early in your relationship when you drove her to the jewelry store. Early enough to not arouse suspicions.

For once, you played your part well, eloquently telling Yeji that you simply wanted to get her something special. Something that would make her think of you. And you told her no lies.

Thus, she was willing to oblige when you asked her to try on a multitude of options and simply enjoy herself. You both ended up enjoying the experience, with you happily buying Yeji the necklace she chose as her favorite and her refusing to take it off for the entirety of the next week. You just made sure to secure one other thing. Her ring size.

Because you already knew.

…

Yeji didn’t have to use her words to tell you something was wrong. You needed only look into her eyes to see the predatory edge gone, replaced by a lethargic malaise. So you showed her your love in the best way you knew how.

Through action.

A quick call to her colleague secured the weekend off of work. A second call got her friend to pack a bag of her things. A third got you the weekend off as well, with confirmation that you'd still be back in time to manage the project you'd recently been entrusted with. And a final call secured you your venue of choice, with blessings from the owner.

Thus, with everything in place, you were ready to pick her up when she ended her day. And despite your vague answers as to where you were taking her, she was more than ready to let you take her away.

And so, you began to drive.

…

You took the turns slowly, methodically. Anything to keep the ride as smooth as possible. Anything to keep Yeji as comfortable as possible. Anything to keep from ruining the perfection of this moment. And though you did your best to keep your eyes on the road, you couldn’t help yourself from stealing glances at her every once in a while. And as always, her eyes were a masterpiece worth a million words.

You saw the slightest bit of trepidation. You saw a sense of excitement.

You saw relief.

Contentment.

Wonder.

Joy.

And when Yeji looked up at the rearview mirror and met your eyes, you saw a reflection of your own soul.

You saw love.

And you could only hope that your entire heart would be enough to repay it in kind.

…

The cabin made its presence known immediately upon entering your view. It was tall, with the high ceilings and slanted roof making it look even larger than the floor plan would suggest. With two floors, a deck, a path to the lake, and a multitude of unexplored rooms, it would likely have been more than enough for just about any couple staying there alone. However, if Yeji’s uncharacteristically rigid movements were any indication, it still might lack enough usable surfaces to work out her tension.

But that was a problem for the rest of the weekend. The immediate priority was the present, so you grabbed your things and the groceries waiting on the front porch, then went inside and began preparing dinner. And while the dinner and coinciding conversation were nothing short of delightful, it was a lone moment amidst the preparation that seared itself into your mind forever.

Yeji insisted that you both wear aprons during the preparations. A seemingly silly request, and one that you likely would have brushed off if asked by anyone else. But when Yeji wrapped her arms around your waist to tie the knot, you were suddenly very glad to have acquiesced.

Because somehow, some way, it felt more comfortable than anything you had ever experienced. It was more familiar than this cabin you've known since childhood, more fitting than the feeling of your hands gripping a steering wheel—hell, it felt even more natural than the air escaping your lungs. And as you wrapped your arms around her and she melted into your embrace, you knew tying the silly apron was far from the priority.

So, you held her, far longer than you’d need to tie her apron. Far longer than ever before. You stood there, arms wrapped around each other, long enough for the silence to convey everything that you wanted to tell her but couldn’t find the words for. And a while later, when you detached from one another and looked at Yeji through misty eyes, you prayed that the sparkle in hers was here to stay.

…

Yeji didn’t respond verbally when you asked her to close her eyes and follow your lead. She simply slipped her hand into yours and allowed her world to go dark. Thus, despite being able to traverse this route with your own eyes closed, you proceeded with utmost caution as you led her out of the dining room, through the living room, past the deck, down the path, and onto the dock that served as your destination.

And when she opened her eyes and saw the lake that defined your childhood, she found herself stunned, truly at a loss for words for once in her life. And it turned out that those couple seconds were all you needed to render her speechless once again, as you dived into the lake, fully clothed.

When you resurfaced, the first thing you sensed was the sound of Yeji’s laughter dancing across the glassy waters that you had just shattered. The second was her gleaming smile that shined brighter than the full moon overhead. The third was the uncertainty rooting her to the wooden planks of the dock.

But when you invited her to join you, she dove into the lake without the slightest bit of hesitation. Because Hwang Yeji knew you’d be there to catch her. And when she kissed you, it wasn’t a question, nor an answer. It was a promise.

One you were more than happy to return in kind.

…

Less than an hour later, after the initial rush of adrenaline had worn off and the cold had begun to permeate through your bones, you carried Yeji back to the house and commenced your favorite way of warning up.

But this time felt different.

Because when she looked up at you, staring directly into your eyes as she devoured you with her mouth, you found no traces of her regular ferocity. You still saw desire, but you also found insecurity. You found gratitude in her eyes. You found fear, adoration, vulnerability.

You found her.

So, as Yeji continued sending shockwaves across your entire body, you needed no words to tell her exactly how good it felt. Your clenching muscles and curling toes and quick inhalations said everything.

But you told her anyway. Because you needed her to know.

And as the moon ascended to its apex before hurriedly descending back below the horizon, trying to hide from the sins you two were committing between the sheets, you spent the rest of the night showing Yeji exactly how you feel.

…

You'd always viewed alarm clocks as a cruel invention.

You still do.

But when you drifted from sleep to consciousness and awoke late that morning, you found yourself merely shifting from one dream to another. You found yourself holding Yeji in your arms, granted the perfect angle to observe her flawless visage as golden beams shone through the windows and cast a gentle light across her sleeping form. And just as you began to doubt whether you were even awake at all, Yeji’s slow, hot breaths against the base of your neck brought you back to reality.

So, you held her. You laid there, arms wrapped around Yeji, long enough for her to finish whatever dream she was experiencing. And a while later, long after you had lost track of the time passed but well before she awoke, you realized you’d decided to stay a long, long time ago.

…

Unfortunately, you were reminded the next Monday that dreams don’t last forever when your alarm clock began its cacophony. The culmination of your professional efforts—the sum of your ambitions—demanded your presence and nothing less than perfection.

So, you lost yourself in your work, insistent on justifying the sacrifices of your past. You refused to let the fruits of your labor go to waste because of any hints of wavering resolve.

But as the hours stretched on and the days began to blur together, the long days turned into long nights turned into long weeks. And the strain on your relationship was impossible to miss.

Your sins started small, like not responding to a text until hours later or having to cancel a lunch date. However, as the list of your transgressions grew, so too did their severity. Yeji did her best to be supportive and acted as if it were okay that you didn't follow through with your daily good night calls, but the cracks in her voice allowed the truth to trickle through.

And as much as you desired the chance to hold Yeji close and help her heal the wounds you yourself had wrought upon her, you dreaded the possibility of not delivering on this project even more. The thought of losing the benefit of years of schooling and even more years of hard work shook you to your very core, threatening to invalidate the sacrifices those you love had made to get you here. So you soldiered on, assuring yourself that these short-term pains would be worth it in the end. Surely a couple months were worth losing for benefits that would last years to come?

Surely.

Unfortunately, your tenuous balancing act collapsed spectacularly when you snapped at her for calling you during a meeting. And Yeji, the eloquent half of your relationship, offered you nary a single word in response as she ended the call.

…

The first day was hell.

The second day was worse.

Each day was marked with the same routine, with you reaching out and asking for a chance to apologize and Yeji letting her silence serve as sufficient reply.

Nothing was worth this.

But it wasn’t until a week later, when you found yourself alone in your apartment once again, that your calendar had to remind you that your anniversary was in one week’s time. And somehow, with the realization that you hadn’t even known how badly you’d fucked up, you hit a new low.

So, immediately, you broke down and sent her a flurry of messages, pleading for a chance to ask for forgiveness. To your surprise, you received a response. You received a location, the same restaurant where you had your first date together. You received a reservation time and instructions to pick her up 30 minutes beforehand. And, you received a date. Your anniversary.

Trying not to add to the damage you'd already done, you promised to be there. And you waited. 7 days of pain. 168 hours of suffering. 10,080 minutes of torment. 604,800 seconds of agony. But when the time came, you made damned well sure you were early.

Of course, so did Yeji. She was there, leaning against a pillar and staring up at the sky. Waiting for you.

But when she got in the car, Yeji refused to even look at you, not even allowing you the chance to begin your apology as she told you to just go. So, knowing your words would be inadequate like always, you did as she asked.

You began to drive.

…

Despite the frigid climate in the car, you couldn’t help but feel a warm relief at having this opportunity. At having Hwang Yeji back by your side. And though you did your absolute best to keep your eyes exclusively on the road as you deftly navigated the icy streets, you couldn’t stop your heart from stealing a few glances in the rearview mirror. And when you saw the tiniest bits of moisture beginning to gather at the corners of those steely eyes, you couldn’t stop that same heart from manifesting the slightest bit of hope within your soul.

But until you earned the chance to apologize, you continued to drive.

...

You honestly should have seen it coming, but the anxiety threw you off your game just a little bit. Just enough.

You honestly think you would have been alright with it all. It wouldn't have been easy, but you could have accepted the fact that the semi truck over your right shoulder blew through the light as if it were a mere suggestion. You could have dealt with the whiplash of the impact and the pain and the damage and the medical bills.

You could have dealt with it all.

If only the passenger seat was empty.