2

It didn't seem like you were with Heejin. Every outing with her was fun, spontaneous, and creative—exactly the same personality as her. However, this time it felt like you were both having your own private funeral. What seemed like a  search for a new guitar, which Heejin needed because she was apparently finally going to record a whole album, was also a get-together so she could cope with the sadness that still lingered after your breakup. In reality, it was the complete opposite. She kept trying out different types of guitars while silently shaking her head in disbelief, while you just watched her, not contributing much. While part of it was because your mood was awful, it was also because Heejin didn't seem like your Heejin. That friend who always shone was nowhere to be seen.

“I still think the Gretsch semi-hollow body is the best option,” you ventured to declare, perhaps Heejin just needed you to be a little more assertive.

“I’m not a damn jazz musician, I need something that can respond to both clean and distorted sounds with equal ease.” Although the phrase could be aggressive, the tone and the pout that accompanied it were quite the opposite; it was a glimpse of that Heejin you adore.

“What you ask for, my friend, is exactly what a getsch  gives you,” you argued  as you approached her.

“I still don’t understand why you don’t join my band, it was our dream in our teens, I’d love for you to be with me on this.” The way Heejin jumped from one topic to another wasn’t new, especially when it came to that supposed dream they shared. It wasn’t really your dream; at that time you just wanted to have friends, and it was easy to connect with her through music.

“Why don’t some of us have the courage to follow our dreams no matter what, Heeki?” And although there was some truth in your words, you were also lying. You never had the courage to confess that you learned to play guitar just to be her friend. You thought it was pathetic and manipulative at the same time. “But I’ll always be supporting you. I was the first one to buy a ticket for one of your shows in that dive bar, and I’ll be the last one to buy a ticket when you decide to retire in a giant stadium.” And those words were true. You knew she was destined for great things, and you knew that even if she had to walk away to achieve them, you would be there, ready to watch her fly and grow.

Your words weren't meant to lighten the mood; in fact, they were just  a promise you make to someone you cherish with all your heart. However, you realized they had succeeded when Heejin looked down at the body of the guitar she was testing and smiled.

The afternoon caught up with them out of nowhere while they were eating at a fast food restaurant. You were playing with your fries while listening to Heejin continue complaining about how unfair it was to try to record an album while still depressed about breaking up with her ex. It wasn't that you weren't paying attention; in fact, you were listening in detail to each of her complaints, and that's why you noticed that she had been going around in circles with her same arguments for the last 15 minutes.

"So, why are you sad?" you knew she would eventually ask. She wasn't stupid, and you didn't know how to hide your emotions. However, you didn't know how to tell her that you were completely sad because Jinsoul had simply decided to stop having sex with you, especially since Heejin always seemed to disagree with your decision.

"Well, Jinsoul asked us to end things, plus I have to live with Haseul," the last part came out more as an excuse, somehow you had to downplay the real reason for your mood.

“His?” The way she asked, and how she put a finger to her chin, you knew it was dripping with sarcasm. “Oh, you mean being his personal dildo?”

"It wasn't her personal dildo, we were just... we were just having fun," the way your argument came out was very doubtful, you had never seen the dynamic you had with Jinsoul in that way , she had always been your best friend, and the woman you loved.

“Look, I’m sorry if I’m being insensitive, but I always told you that being friends with benefits with Jinsoul  was a bad idea for you. Come on, you’ve been drooling over her for like 10 years or more, I don’t know, it’s been way too long. It’s obvious that having that kind of connection with her was dangerous, and I honestly think it’s okay for me to ask you to end things.” This time Heejin really handled the subject delicately; in fact, she took your hand, in a sort of comforting gesture, a comfort you partially accepted, mostly by remaining silent.

“I don’t blame Jinsoul , she’s my friend too, and I know she just wanted to have some fun, have a good time, and for some reason, the silly girl genuinely hasn’t noticed how lost you’ve been for her, so I think that’s what it was for her, a fun time with a friend, but I do think that you agreeing was crazy, you know? Sometimes I think being friends with us was something that hurt you.”

“That’s not true. Jinsoul , Hyeju, Hyunjin, and you being my friends saved my life.” The way you rushed  to say it was indicative of how much it hurt you to even think about not being friends with them.

“Don’t get me wrong, silly, we love you too, but I think we’ve trapped you so much in our circle that your whole life revolves around us. Do you even have any other friends? Come on, your first kiss was a few months ago with Jinsoul. It’s a bad dynamic to have your social life limited to just a few people. That’s why I think you’re so infatuated with Jinsoul. You’ve never even tried to meet other girls,” Heejin said, carefully choosing her words. It was clear she didn’t intend to hurt you, but that’s exactly what you felt. In fact, you felt pathetic.

“I do have more friends, in fact I have a friend at work, her name is Jiwoo  and she’s very kind, and you’re asking me to meet girls, as if I actually had a chance.” The way those words came out was a cautious whisper, like when a child is scolded and tries to explain.

“Everybody gets a big shot, my friend. You’re a smart, thoughtful, caring guy, you have a decent job, and you’re about to live with an incredibly beautiful girl. I’m telling you this as your second-best friend, and because I love you. Move on from that crush you have on Jinsoul , and focus on what’s coming. You’re much more valuable than you think.” Hearing Heejin’s words, you could only lower your gaze. You were actually trying not to cry. More than once she had told you how much you meant to her, but it was always the same rush of joy to hear it.

The night was chaotic amidst disorganized boxes. You never thought you'd move; it seemed foolish when you thought about it  more carefully. Your biggest dream was to have a family, and at the same time, you never thought about moving out of your father's house. You smiled at the irony, but the reality was that you had never moved in your life. You didn't know where to begin, and somehow a nostalgia invaded you with objects that previously seemed meaningless. Fortunately, Mrs. Cho did have experience in that area and had kindly offered her help.

“I know you and my daughter have a rather peculiar relationship,” you heard Mrs. Cho say as she put some of your things in a box. You wanted to argue that “peculiar” was a very polite way of saying that you hated each other, but you kept quiet; you sensed  that this was what you should do.

"But, apart from her friends, and us, you are the closest relationship she has, I'm sure that in some way she copes a lot thanks to you."

At that moment you had to interrupt, you didn't believe at all what I had to say.

“With all due respect, I don’t think that’s the case. In fact, I think we’re making things difficult for each other.” Perhaps he was too direct, but you had to be as honest as possible. However, Mrs. Cho just smiled, the same smile you give to someone incredulous or who ignores obvious things.

“After my husband died, Haseul  changed a lot. She somehow became so protective, not only of her sister, but of me and everyone she cares about. She was always the one taking care of everyone. She kind of lost her childlike, adolescent attitude and became a sort of mother figure, always looking out for others, always attentive. However, when you're around her, that attitude disappears, and the little Haseul comes back  , the one who was whiny and a bit spoiled. In fact, I think you two show each other the worst of yourselves because you know you're each other's constant companions. You can insult each other and you still won't leave, and I think that's a peculiar but very strong friendship. So, take care of her, yes. She seems so brave and mature, but she also needs to be taken care of sometimes.”

Mrs. Cho's words were so powerful that you remained silent, packing, not even knowing how to continue a conversation that went from casual to something more sensitive, and in addition to that, you wondered, were you that for Haseul ?, and more importantly, was Haseul  that for you?

Living with Haseul  wasn't actually as bad as you imagined; incredibly, they were both very tidy. Aside from some passive-  aggressive comments, the days were very peaceful, partly because they both worked and spent little time in that apartment.

The first Friday in your new life came faster than you thought it would be; it wasn't exactly the ordeal you imagined. As you were about to leave for work, you heard Haseul on the phone. Not that you were interested, but you hid behind the wall to listen.

“Yes, Hayeon, I understand, it’s important, I’ll deposit the money in a moment.” You understood  where that was coming from; Haseul always supported Hayeon, even if Hayeon had everyone else’s support, Haseul did too. It was just another ordinary conversation, and for a moment you scolded yourself for meddling in things that weren’t your business, but before you could cross the remaining distance to the front door, you heard another murmur, “Another week without even being able to buy a damn yogurt.” At that moment you felt sorry for her, because you understood that feeling. How many times had you worked so hard and somehow barely had enough for the bare necessities? With that feeling of empathy, you decided to leave; you practically had to sneak out to  avoid any possible confrontation.

You weren't having a particularly good time at work, mainly because you were still extremely depressed at the idea of ​​losing any semblance of a romantic relationship with Jinsoul , so you decided to play solitaire instead of working. It wasn't that you were avoiding work, you were just killing  time; there wasn't much to do that day.

And maybe it was because of inactivity, or maybe stubbornness, but you started thinking about her too much, and since you were being cowardly, and the idea of ​​telling her that you love her started to get bigger, like a snowball, what started as a random idea ended up in a decision, it was Friday, and you would tell Jinsoul that she was the love of your life, and that you wanted to be more than her best friend.

So as soon as you left work you went straight to his house, the trip was less annoying, you weren't focused on the journey, so the common problems of public transport didn't exist, it was just you and the fear combined with the excitement of finally releasing years of hidden feelings.

When you arrived, you did what you always did. Jinsoul gave you a key, and you'd always used it to get in, and this time was no exception. But when you heard Jinsoul  's moans  , you realized that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to go in without knocking. You could have left, but something inside you wanted to know more. Maybe you were a masochist, so you went to her bedroom door and opened it just a crack, just enough to see another girl eating Jinsoul out . She seemed to be enjoying it so much that even if you'd opened the door completely, they probably wouldn't have noticed. At that moment, you felt nothing but sadness. You wondered if this was a wake-up call.

You left that house straight to buy alcohol; you just wanted to get drunk, nothing else was on your mind. But when you had the bottle in your hands, you thought about how unfair your thoughts were to Jinsoul. She was always clear. Then you thought about yourself, why were you doing this to yourself? It wasn't the best way to heal, it wasn't the best way to do things. And for some strange and stupid reason, probably because your brain was an idiot, you thought about Haseul, about how she didn't even have money for the simplest things. You put down that bottle and instead bought those damn yogurts that you knew she'd liked for years.

When you arrived at what was now your apartment, you simply put the dairy product in the refrigerator and went straight to your room. Although you tried to be strong enough, the sadness was still there, so you just wanted to sleep, which at some point you managed to do.