Better Choices

The little digital watch on your wrist beeped on the hour: 10PM. You carried with you a battery-powered mosquito lamp, a bag of nacho chips, and a jar of salsa. Your destination, barely a hundred meters from the door of your house, was a quaint playground in the roundabout-cum-cul-de-sac in your village.

To be more specific, your destination was Naoi Rei, seated on a big, decorative rock near the edge of the playground.

“You’re late,” she pouted.

“By less than a minute, hello?,” you rebutted, setting the mosquito lamp right by her legs. In shorts, she needed it more than you.

“Hmph,” she pouted harder.

“Don’t fret now,” you said, as you reached out to grab her shoulder, which she grumpily pulled away from you with a huff.

You clicked your tongue. “Alright, guess I’ll just have to eat these nachos alone,” you muttered, emphasizing the last word. In a snap, Rei moved a bit to the side to give you space.

“Apology accepted,” she rolled her eyes.

As neighbors for the majority of your life, Rei had always been like this with you; this meeting spot was hallowed ground for your friendship, and talking time like this an inviolable agreement. Even when you both went to different colleges, got jobs, or experienced any manner of trouble in the dead of night, the rock remained the rendezvous point.

“Lemme guess,” she said, forcefully grabbing the bag of nachos from your hands, “Sooyoung.” You sat down, opened the jar with held breath, and took a loud sigh.

Tonight’s agenda, as it had been maybe 3 or 4 times now: Sooyoung, a girl you met at work. Well, “met at work” is a loose description, considering you “met” for the first time when she asked you about chips at “work,” in the convenience store nearby.

“Usual opening question,” Rei asked, a mouth full of nachos. “You still wanna do this?”

“I’m not wasting any effort, okay?,” you rebutted. “It’s not over ‘til she says it’s over.”

You’ve been trying to woo Sooyoung for nearly a year now. Successes include a meaningful chat over coffee, a fairly uninteresting movie where you held hands, and a less-than-stellar bar crawl.

“Okay,” Rei said with a groan. “Here’s a thought: offer to go with her clothes shopping?”

“Clothes shopping?,” you remarked. “I mean, doesn’t that come off… weird?”

“You’re literally the only person I know who’d say that,” she replied. “Unless you wanna stare at her tits in the dressing room like a perv, no, it’s not weird.”

“Bruh, what the fuck?,” you reacted. “No, I meant it’d be weird to buy her clothes.”

“Again, you’re literally the only person who’d say that,” she replied. “Women would never pass up an opportunity to get more stuff for their wardrobe. Besides,” she took a chip in her mouth, “you get to butter her up. Which is the point.”

You grumbled as you sat on the rock, back against Rei. This rock used to be big enough for the two of you; now both of you were more leaning on to it and using each other as ample support.

“It’s not that, it’s… she’s not reciprocating, and I would be offering to give something material. Out of my own pocket. That’s a waste of effort.” You scratched your head, irritated.

“Well, you’re not wrong there, though I’m pretty sure you’ve spent on her more than once,” Rei said with a mouth full of nachos, still holding the bag hostage. “I mean, let’s look at it now: you’ve taken her to the movies, you’ve had a café date, you’ve gone drinking without sex…”

“Rei,” you groaned, remarking at the aside.

“You’ve offered hiking which didn’t materialize, you offered a blackbox theatre date… That’s as much as anything you can offer in this boring ass town, and you spent on those too,” she continued.

You slicked your hair back in frustration. “I just wish I could get a clearer sign with her, you know?,” you added. “That’s it. I want to know if I should even…,” you trailed off.

Rei let out another exasperated sigh. “Dude, obviously you don’t want to stop chasing after her, so why wait for a sign? You could always just read into it that she’s waiting for you to do the right gesture. Or offer the right date. If she’s intentionally playing hard-to-get, play harder.”

“That’s why I need you here,” you replied. “I have no idea what that would be or how else.”

“So quit your bitching and just offer what I said,” she retorted. “The worst that can happen is that she says no, and you’ll beg me to come here for more plans. Big fucking deal.”

Now, you and Rei are best friends without question, but you know when she gets worked up. An imaginary klaxon rang in your head: she was in that territory, and that was a first.

“Alright, sorry,” you relent. “I’m just paranoid, I suppose.”

Silence – rare even for Rei and her usual side comments about your questionable decisions. All you could hear was the quiet munching of nachos.

“Any nachos left?,” you asked, and Rei shook the bag as audible proof it was close to empty.

“So, uh,” you asked, “how’s that guy you’ve been trying to ask out?”

“Gave up,” she said coldly. “Unlike you, I know when to quit when I’m not wanted.”

Silence again, no less awkward. So much more awkward that you’re patting your thighs and tapping your foot silently, trying to resist the urge to walk away. But the sinking feeling in your chest wins out.

“Well, thanks for the advice. Keep the salsa,” you said. “I’ll… leave you to it then.”

You slowly get up, trying to feign leaving, when Rei started sniffling. “I really wish you’d get the hint,” she whispered.

“Wait, Rei, wh–”

“I said I wish you’d get the fucking hint, you doofus!,” she hissed as she stomped her feet, looking back at you over her shoulder. “It’s always Sooyoung this, Sooyoung that, or maybe even Vicky this, or Jen that, it’s always gotta be someone else!”

You stayed frozen. “Rei–”

“And here I am, crawling to you every single time you need me because I want to be with you, hoping you’re gonna realize it one day,” she cried, almost bawling. “And all you ever do is just fuss over more women who will never give you what I can!”

You’re not just frozen now; you’re shellshocked. Sure, you always had a nagging feeling asking Rei about other girls would be a bit awkward, but you never assumed she’d ever take it personally. More than that – that she had any feelings for you to take it personally.

“Rei–,” you tried to speak, more firmly, but Rei had already gotten up.

“No. I don’t want to talk to you,” she responded. “Not about work, not about your life, not about other girls. Just leave me alone.” She walked briskly into the darkness; you sat there, surrounded only by the screeching of cicadas, the lamp and a jar of salsa on the floor, and the ringing silence in your ears.

The hundred-meter walk home felt more like a kilometer, the excruciating length of it fraught with rewinding to every single time you were with Rei.

“I wish you’d get the fucking hint.”

There was this one night when you asked Rei for help when you were seeing a singer-songwriter who was very into Laufey, an artist you’d only heard by name before then. Rei made you an entire playlist even before you got to the playground. You spent the night listening to the music, and she would tell you all about the “lore” of her: her twin sister, her ethnic background, the jazz inspiration, etc.

“What’s your favorite song of hers?”

She twirled a strand of hair around her finger pensively. “Maybe this one,” she said, cutting the song to her choice.

One day, I will stop falling in love with you,

Some day, some will like me like I like you,

Until then, I’ll drink my coffee, eat my pie, pretend that we are more than friends,

And of course I’ll let you break my heart again.