26 May

You loved Hwang Yeji.

For five years, you’ve poured and sacrificed everything you had—money, time, life even—just to show how much you adore this woman, and she certainly appreciates it. With so many memories being shared, from sneaking out late at night for a date to avoid any media to a fancy dinner out in the open, you know that she was gonna be the one that you want to lay your head upon, the one that you wanna come back home to every day, and the one that will bring you comfort just by looking at their beauty.

All in all, you loved Hwang Yeji.

Unfortunately, it has come to an end.

In such a cruel, tragic, and pure disgusting way, your whole life has turned itself upside down. All gone, in just one minute.

Five years. It took you five years to realize that everything was fake, from the very beginning. That smile when you bought her that vanilla ice cream? The teardrops she shed when you gave her that necklace? The happiness she felt when you finally came over to her new apartment? 

All of the times that you have shared with Hwang Yeji were never real.

The black box in your hand feels heavy. Though it doesn’t beat the weight inside of your heart. You truly don’t know how to feel at all—it’s like everything has left your body, and all it retains are your empty regrets. Regrets on how you haven’t done everything to make her stay. Regrets that you weren’t a good partner to her. Regrets on the lack of love that you expressed towards her. 

The ego comes back into the soulless body however, telling you that it was her fault all this time. You want to believe it. You really do. The hints were clear as day. You were just too caught up with your own point of view. The view of you both being madly in love with one another while in reality, it was only on your side.

You didn't even know what exactly went wrong. The other day, you were in an hour-long call with her, listening intently about all her stress at work, calming her down with words of encouragement and ended the night by tucking her into bed, like you always do. It's crucial for you to never miss wishing her days in the morning and at night, even with how busy your life can get. 

If only you knew how useless they were to her.

The further you walk on these sidewalks, the deeper the pain feels. Suddenly, your hands sense an urge to open the box, letting you see the content inside—a ring. Engraved on it is the date of when you two first intertwined with one another, and it twists your stomach the more you look upon it.

25.5.20 HYJ

You laugh.

Bullshit. It's all bullshit.

No one's around to give a damn about you. Not like you need anyone anyways. You’ve accepted the fact that you're always gonna be alone. She didn't even try to find you, even after you’ve seen the truth. Maybe there's still a shed of light behind the things she had done. But with the way things are, you despise believing it.

“Sorry, but I don't think I’m ready yet.”

Yeah, of course she's not.

She wouldn't be fucking with another man if she was.

The air was cold. Colder than it usually is. It doesn't phase you. You're used to this—the freezing atmosphere is your favorite scene to have a walk with her back then, in the midst of dawn, hand in hand while she’s covered with your coat and holding you ever so tightly, not wanting to let go because you're her only source of warmth, as she claims. 

Now, the flame has lost its spark, and the warmth has diminished, nowhere to be felt by anyone again.

She doesn’t love you.

Your eyes twitched, remembering the scene that unfolded hours before—the exact reason that you fell into despair. The street lamps blurred, but your memory was not at all, and you just wished for it to disappear off of your mind. But it couldn’t. The cut was too deep. Deep as she’s sinking down on another man’s dick, riding away enthusiastically, not realizing that you’re watching them in shock and horror. 

Your body trembles in both fear and rage. You wanted to do something—confront them, punch this bastard directly in their face, end their life even—but you can’t move. Not because you’re tied up. Not because you’re threatened. It’s because of her. Her expressions. That darned smile, begging for more. Her eyes rolling back in pleasure, holding him so tightly while her hips move expertly onto him. She’s enjoying the moment. More than any of your moments together.

“Why…” was the only thing you could utter, before leaving the scene.

The grip on the box tightens so much that you could almost break it. It’s a useless piece of garbage at this point. Your head turns, looking at the water below—an endless void. The wind whistled through, ripples emerging to sign that it’s really there, quietly. Waiting. Inviting. 

The railing disappears from your view.

There was no rush.

You simply fall.

The cold hits you like a wall, shocking the air from your lungs. Water rushed into your mouth, the taste bitter and thick. You begin to sink, and for a second, panic shoots through your brain. Your hands flapped around desperately, reaching out for the light.

Though, the words echoed in your ear, “Sorry, but I don't think I’m ready yet.” Your hands get weaker. What are you reaching out for anyway? Towards more pain and emptiness? Suffering in silence, as you watch the love of your life being taken away? Why do you need to care anymore? What was the point? To live?

She’s gone. 

You stopped struggling. 

The water pressed you in further from all sides. The tingling cold now turns into a heavy numbness all over your body.  Your vision starts getting murky, and the light above fades as you sink deeper. Pressure builds inside of your head and lungs. 

Suddenly, the box has left your hands and floats away. The little bits of hope inside of you tried to retrieve it, but it wasn’t enough. And instead, it perfectly moves right in front of your view. It’s like fate wants to give you a proper send off.

In an instant, all of your life flashes in your eyes. It has finally settled in. You reached out to the box before it sank and took the ring out. A tiny spark in the middle of this void. You held onto it tightly,

Why?

Your instincts drove you to do so. 

And as fate wills it, it was the start of the next day.

You opened your mouth. Not to breathe. You’re letting go.

The water does what it does—filling itself into your chest, putting out the small flame and replacing it with emptiness. You didn’t wanna struggle anymore. You’ve accepted your fate.

The light finally vanished.

Your world darkens.

Happy birthday, Hwang Yeji. I wish you nothing but happiness.

Maybe, it was all an illusion.

And if it was, you’ll never come back to it.

The vessel died a long time ago.

The cycle resets.

But the dream still lives.

The dawn is imminent.

You're halfway there.