an open letter (year five)

By the time this is posted, it’ll have been five full years since I made one of the most important clicks in my life: the Tumblr post button on a sleepless dawn after finishing a rough 2k-ish reader-insert fanfiction written on a whim at 2 AM. From there, nothing was ever the same.

Out of all the interests I’ve taken up (movies, basketball, etc.), somehow the one persistent thing I’ve been able to maintain interest in outside of Pokémon is writing. If you told me I’d devote myself to writing back ten years ago, I would have thought you were on crack. Maybe 2013-14 me would believe it, but not the later versions of me pre-pandemic. Yet here we are, having dedicated a fifth of my actual life into this. Life really throws you unexpected curveballs sometimes.

I was 13 when I used to write screenplays/scripts that me and my classmates would read after lunch and sometimes for English projects in the sixth grade. They were silly and stupid, but quite fun to look back on and something that I thought I’d get over once I was done with middle school. I’ve revisited writing pre-pandemic once but assumed I lost that same spark now I was a teenager with other things to do. So I feel grateful to revisit that little part from my childhood and have it grow in a meaningful, if not absurd manner. And to be honest, I was never really a literary fellow; I seldomly read books and preferred films/movies. Even as I continued writing, my references and how I visualize scenes often stems from how it would be perceived on a screen than what it was supposed to be—in oral/descriptive detail.

Admittedly, the experience so far has been both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it’s allowed me to tap into my creative side, the more fun, whimsical side of me that I otherwise never would have explored further had I not made that leap and decision after reading Interrogation and Business Trip back then. And in a way, I also wouldn’t have been as big into K-pop now if I wasn’t a writer, since it gave me more avenues and artists to explore the genre (peach is a big reason as to why I got into IZ*ONE after they disbanded and subsequently the groups/solos that followed, now two of them are my ult groups), so I’ll always give this hobby some credit for diversifying my music taste and defining what I listen to now. Writing has taken me to places I never thought I’d imagine too, to the point where it even became a side hustle and a secondary source of income; it’s allowed me to go to concerts and support my family to some degree, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

But the further along I’ve gotten into this, the more unnecessary pressure I put on myself as both a writer and a community member. I’m still clearly lacking in many aspects and even have to relearn the basic fundamentals at times. The people I look up to are better than ever; even newcomers who have been here for way less time than me have surpassed me a long time ago, and they more than deserve the success and acclaim they’re getting, they’ve been phenomenal reads. Meanwhile, I’m entering year five and I feel like I’ve stagnated, maybe even regressed. It’s also gotten to the point where I constantly have to keep proving myself every time I release a new fic. Like yes, this is a hobby; it’s nothing serious, but given the time and effort I’ve devoted to it, I feel like I’m not where I should be. Similar to playing video games or learning a sport; I should be getting better at it with time and practice, and I feel as if though I’m not.

Not that long ago, I went on an institutional retreat as part of our graduation rites (which we will return to), and while nothing much happened, the one thing I somehow wrote down was: break your habits. Two weeks after that, I’ve received a message that highlighted something alarming, and I didn’t just think about my past year. It made me think about everything. To the point where I even question now as to whether I still deserve to be here.

As much as I want to keep going, I feel that the end is near. I started this blog in the middle of the pandemic when I had nothing to do. I’m graduating in a month and my financial situation is kinda dire. Life has become too hectic and my priorities have changed drastically where I feel like something has to give. This blog—and this hobby—has embedded itself as a huge component of my life, but I feel like I don’t belong anymore. I feel that even though I’ve been around for so long, I still feel like I’m not good enough to have earned your respect. I keep making the same mistakes, both as a person and as a writer that even though I promised to improve upon, I just keep falling back into. It’s a neverending cycle. And let’s focus on the former here: as a persona, as pi or peter or some other name you’ve known me by, I’ve burned one too many bridges to be considered someone worth looking up to, or to be even considered as an acquaintance, let alone a friend. I’ve let my own pride, my own selfishness, and my own narcissism take over more times to count, and I’ve refused to take complete control or accountability believing no one’s getting hurt when in reality, people are; they’ve only just brought this up to me now. And I’ve been reading and listening. 

I’m never one to start conflicts at all. My belief is that if there’s any issue that needs to be settled, it should be resolved privately and without causing a stir. But given how hard it is to address you all individually, I’ve decided to extend a branch to you all by making this public, even if it seems like the dumbest play. I know some of you have had issues with me, whether in the past or present, about items we’ve discussed in public, private, or even unspoken and for that: I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry for not being a good person, for not making the necessary changes I promised back then. I don’t expect you to forgive me, given how many times I’ve fucked up, and there’s only so many chances you can give; but at least I want you to read this: I genuinely feel bad about everything. Trust, once broken, is hard to repair, and I believe I’ve pushed it one too many times for you to be worth my time, but the regret is genuine.

This isn’t me asking for empathy or sympathy or me wallowing in self-pity; rather this is me being honest.  There’s so many things, so many words, and actions I regret back on, even as recently as yesterday, and while I can forgive myself and move on, I doubt you will. Human nature dictates you can only endure so much before you finally decide to sever the connection for your own sanity, and that’s okay. If anything; I’m surprised a majority of you still look at me somewhat respectably and not as a lowlife or lesser being like some of the people who call themselves “writers” by using AI for everything or writing UA or noncon, but that’s beside the point: you should have left me behind a long time ago. I promised I’d do better, and in the time since, none of that seems to have come true. And now I’m giving you the choice to do it again. If you have any issue or problem with how I conduct myself that you want to address (whether publicly or privately), come forward so we can talk about it (peacefully and without conflict). If you want to block me straight up, then go ahead. If you think I’m no longer worth your time, then unfollow. If you think my presence is no longer worth tolerating for the betterment of the community, then feel free to kick me out. I absolutely deserve every bit of criticism you’ll throw my way, and it’s my own actions that have caused this. Whatever you choose to do, I’ll 100% respect that decision.

In spite of everything, let it be known I have never spoken a negative word about any of you, whether in private or public. I may be jealous and envious sometimes reading your work or being excluded from certain projects, but it's out of a motivation and a desire to do better. And whenever I am feeling jealous, let it be known that it was never personal. Of course we all want to be great, and every journey is unique, but sometimes, I feel that the results don’t translate, or that I’m inherently less talented than some of you, or maybe I just don’t see the good in whatever I do. And even to the people I’ve had an issue with, let it be known I have never thought ill of you as well. I want us to co-exist peacefully, regardless of our beliefs, philosophies, opinions, and no matter what differences we have about each other. But if you think that is no longer an option in this space, then so be it—I’ll find my way out of here.

There’s so many people I want to thank for my time here, that listing them all is impossible, but I’ll try my best anyway. Firstly, to the guys that welcomed me with open arms and helped me settle into the community when I debuted: to peach, ddeun and levi (worldsover) for answering my questions, even if they were stupid and easily searchable and learning how the Tumblr ecosystem worked. To peach, caps, majorblinks, kooya, bran, iz, and gray for their incredible body of work and inspiring me to get better; I can only dream of even being in your shadow. To this day, many of your works I still use as reference for my own writing, so thank you for sharing your wonderful talent. To chunk, my brother from another mother, I miss you dearly and our daily yap sessions. Sometimes we just send GIFs to each other and just go crazy; I miss that—and I hope you’re doing well wherever you are. To iz for keeping the faith when I was at my lowest; I’m glad you’re better now and I hope we can meet one day. To svn, DJ, hoaqin, def/bamee, kaede, eros, CJ (banananutsmuthie), and chim, thanks for putting up with my random bullshit every single day. I get online and am always happy to see you; the little things make my day. To the people I’ve met IRL: valentine, cray, Digi, and Dotoli, I hope we can hang out more often and it was great meeting you lovely bunch, and thank you for letting me be comfortable around you even if I’m weird as hell. To everyone else I cannot address or have not mentioned in this section, I hope I have found favor in your sight, whether as a writer, a friend, or a community member. Finally, to sins, my debut brother; I know we haven’t been on the best of terms for a long, long time—and you’ve recently laid upon me a lifetime of guilt and past mistakes that prompted this letter, but I have never harbored ill feelings toward you even once; as a matter of fact, I pray and hope we can put bury the hatchet and truly reconcile one day. But until then, just know I respect you as a writer and a person, regardless of how you look at me. It’s nothing but love on my end.

And lastly, to you, dear reader, for reading all the way to the end of this letter, thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I was still questioning myself—and still am, to this day. Every note, every reblog/comment, every commission helped me become the writer I am today, and for that, I am eternally grateful and humbled. I don’t know if this next year is truly the end or not—tomorrow is never promised—but if there’s one thing I don’t regret, it’s definitely writing and sharing my work with you, and you accepting me with open arms. I appreciate and cherish the journey we’ve been on together, both the good and bad times.

with grace, 

peter / π ♡