you were loved

Time flies by pretty fast somehow — a week, a month, a year.

It has been a decade now, albeit the idea remains firm.

You can't figure out how the hell you feel about Narai Koko.

You were completely on the wrong side of history with her, and you're more than aware of that fact. The guilt has been eating you up from the inside for years. The words you said, the things you did to her — you couldn't face your mutual friends for a decade until now. You've wondered if you're putting too much pressure on yourself — being all self-loathing and guilt-ridden. Regardless of that doubt, however, you couldn't move on from that.

You're 29 now, turning 30 in less than three months. A section of your brain still remembers her birthday just because. As a routine, you deactivate your social media accounts on the day before just to avoid the happy birthday stories on your feed. You're not sure who's still keeping in touch with her, but a safety measure couldn't do much harm. It's like you're using social media these days.

To be completely clear, your life isn't a mess, at least for the last few years. There have been some twinges in the meantime — her face, her voice — but time heals. You still dream of her sometimes — all sorts of interactions, whether they'd be negative or positive. You still think about where the hell she is sometimes. You still ponder how she thinks of you sometimes. In general, you still think about her often, just like Matty Healy said over a decade ago.

Inspired somewhere in the temporal realm, you figured you couldn't sit idly at home anymore. You started going outside more often. You started meeting new people. You started doing new things. An application for a volunteer camp was sent a few days ago. This and that — they accepted you, and you're packing your bags for a trip into a rural area this weekend.

Meeting new people shouldn't be a fear for you at this point. Still, you have some concerns about this entire ordeal — your image, your actions, your words. You keep pushing on through, at least. That's what you've been doing since you've become an adult with free will, and you're constantly trying to exercise that freedom.

The packing is done, eventually, and you go back to your usual Friday night shenanigans of watching films on your television — subtitled, not dubbed. There's this small twinge in your heart for her, of course. It has been ten years, and you're still plagued by the guilt, hate, longing, and the conflicts of your feelings. At least, though, you're not too bothered by that fact anymore.

You reactivate your social media at the camp on Sunday night after your shower back at your apartment.

It's to unblock her everywhere after ten years.

Keeping it brief, you somehow met Narai Koko at the volunteer camp. Your eyes couldn't believe it at first, though the unavoidable proximity closed the distance between the two of you. You became certain that it was her, looking so awfully different from when she was 19 — when she left you in the dark.

Then, at some point around Saturday evening, you just had to start again.

You had a discussion with her like proper adults. You apologized sincerely, despite the bitterness burning in your heart. You didn't look all defeated and pathetic, surely.

She gave you a look you couldn't read. She tried to say something, but she just touched your hand softly. She smiled at you, and that was when you knew that she gave you the forgiveness you've never deserved.

It felt strange — updating your life with her until the clock struck midnight. There were ten years to catch up to things you've never seen through her stories and posts. You two didn't agree to become friends again, but there's this little hope in your heart that she'll fully trust you one more time. You wish that you two will be able to see each other in the eye again at the next encounter.

And even if you don't love her now, it's definite that you once loved her.

And you were loved.