Prologue

Prologue

No one really prepared her for what life would bring. A simple glimpse of the light was enough to make her feel scared of what the world was going to bring her. Was it her anxiety taking the best of her again or was it just something that she refused to get used to?

Up to the present, it still bothered Chaeyoung that her anxiety and depression hadn’t left her. Each day was a struggle, feeling the same thing over and over again, day after day. It started when was still in her elementary years. Back when she still didn’t know who she really was, thinking that when she grows up, she would be on the right track to a normal and fulfilling life.

Back when she didn’t get bullied.

Chaeyoung’s feelings stirred up inside her when all the kids around her were talking about typical topics, like classroom crushes, who was the cutest boy in their grade or who had cutest, pinkest lunch box amongst the other girls.

Though, she didn’t feel the same way and she disliked the things the girls in her grade enjoyed. Chaeyoung found herself wanting to talk more with the boys, look at bugs and join them when they rough house during breaks.

It was when she asked her mom to cut her hair really short that started her problems. As she came to school after, she had never felt so free and excited, feeling more comfortable in her own skin. But some of her female classmates would come up to her and question her with prejudice about why she wasn’t like the other girls. Chaeyoung would just shrug and flatly tell them that she preferred it that way.

Then things just became worse and worse for her each day. Her classmates started bullying her relentlessly. Categorizing her with the weird people of their grade. It was as if her classmates were studying the stereotypical way of bullying someone at school, they did it. They did it to anyone they didn’t like. It came to a point that she would flinch at anyone who would go near her, scared that they might throw something at her again.

The teacher would silently call her over after class and sit her down. Asking her in the kindest way if Chaeyoung wanted the teachers to tell her parents about this, hoping to put an end to the unnecessary bullying. But Chaeyoung immediately refused; quietly thanking the teacher and saying she can handle it.

As expected, she couldn’t handle it and then started hated going to school. Though, she tried her best to compensate her agony by drowning herself into studying and her drawings, so she had something to be distracted with and deafen any rumors of her being “different”.

She didn’t believe that being different was wrong. She knew back then that she was just unconventional, but of course, as a child she wouldn’t know the exact words to it, but it felt very true to her.

But the pressure eventually got to her. There were days she would wake up and stay in bed for a while because she would tell herself that she didn’t want to go to school anymore.

Her mother, as always, noticed the change in her behavior. But Chaeyoung had no intention of informing her mother that she, an elementary student, was being bullied for not wanting to be girly. She didn’t know if her mother was open to that. Granted that majority of the time her parents were busy taking care of her younger brother, she still wasn’t sure if letting her parents know about her problems in school would be a good idea.

One problem at a time, she would tell herself.

Things started to turn around when Chaeyoung finally entered high school.

Chaeyoung had to start from scratch when her family had to move to Incheon, so she had to enroll into a new school, meet new people and worry about being bullied again.

She was aware that the culture in her new school was different from her former hometown, so the first thing she was determined to do was grow her hair out and blend in the background, so she wouldn’t be the subject of bullying just like before. Maybe if she started acting girly, no one will ever notice her.

She was able to survive the first few weeks, only garnishing the attention from everyone because she was the only new student in her class. To her relief, no one bothered her after. But there were days that her anxiety would come back, and she had to quickly excuse herself to go to the bathroom and breakdown there.

It could be from her trauma back then. It was really hard for her to deal with. Chaeyoung did consider going to the guidance counsellor to talk about her past but at the back of her mind, she was worried that the guidance counsellor would make her talk to her new classmates, and she wasn’t fond of the idea of people knowing what she had to go through or making new friends in general.

One school day, she excused herself again to breakdown in the bathroom but to her surprise someone followed her and waited until she came out. Her face was flushed with shock seeing the tall classmate stand by the door, as a defense mechanism, Chaeyoung immediately begged her to not hit her. The girl simply laughed at her statement and said she wasn’t going to, she just wanted to make sure that she was okay. Confessing that she noticed that Chaeyoung had been going to the bathroom a lot when things got tense.

She was sceptic at first with the girl’s kindness. But once the girl introduced herself and offered to be her friend, Chaeyoung was bewildered by this new experience.

It had been a long time since someone from school offered to be her friend. Yoo Jeongyeon was her first friend in so many years and she definitely stood out for Chaeyoung. It was the first time she saw a girl with a boyish haircut and noticed that her body mannerisms weren’t feminine at all.

With her newfound friend she felt less lonely than she did before. Realizing that she didn’t really need to hang out with only boys to feel comfortable with herself. Jeongyeon seemed to help her feel at ease with whatever she wants to be like each day Chaeyoung hangs out with her.

As time passed, she found herself feeling closer with Jeongyeon. Chaeyoung mustered the courage to ask her friend one day they were hanging out.

“Hey, I wanted to ask,” she started; her hands were fidgeting. Worried that her question was offensive, but her curiosity took the best of her. “You don’t care that you look like this? Like, did anyone bully you for your looks or the way you present yourself?”

“I don’t really care about what other people think,” she answered Chaeyoung with no hesitation. “I feel like you’ll be able to do the same when you stop caring as well.”

Chaeyoung was stunned in silence. She never told anyone about her past before, not even when she had gotten close with Jeongyeon. It seemed that the older girl read her clearly, it was like a silent agreement between them that Chaeyoung was free to be herself when she’s with Jeongyeon.

And ever since then, the two girls promised to always be by each other’s side no matter what.

It was still clear in her memory, when they were in their second year in high school. Jeongyeon asked her to hang out in their usual spot by the back of the school.

“Hey,” Jeongyeon started.

Chaeyoung simply hummed a reply, concentrating on her lunch. She lifted her eyes to show her friend that she was listening, waiting for her to continue.

“I think I like girls,” her friend simply said.

Chaeyoung choked on her food, coughing out whatever was stuck in her throat. “Wait—what?”

Jeongyeon started laughing. “You heard me. I have feelings for someone. But it’s a girl.”

She was too stunned to speak, but she just gave a small nod and kept silent.

“Does that bother you at all?”

“No, of course not.”

“Do you like girls too?”

With that, she shot her a look. “Are you confessing to me right now?”

Jeongyeon immediately punched her on her arm, receiving an expected shout of pain from her younger friend. “No, you dumbass. I like Jia from the class next door.”

“Oh…” She trailed, trying to remember what Jia looked like. Chaeyoung did give a face of approval, remembering that Jia was an attractive girl. “Yeah she is cute.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Jeongyeon continued. Seeming that she really wants an answer from her friend.

Chaeyoung placed her chopsticks down, started to rub both her hands on her skirt. Her anxiety was rising. She never had the time to think about it before. But she did admit to herself that she had no attraction to men whatsoever, and then again, she had never thought about her attraction to the same sex.

Before her anxiety could escalate even more, she felt Jeongyeon’s hand on her shoulder. She looks up and is met with the same warm smile her friend gives every time.

“You don’t have to answer me if you’re not ready to give an answer,” she said, with a bigger smile. “I just want you to know that no matter what you tell me, I’ll never judge you.”

Words couldn’t express how she was feeling, not realizing that tears were gently falling from her eyes. She engulfed her friend in a tight hug and the other obliged, hugging her tighter than before.