tonight doesn't count, (i promise)

“And I guess you can call it even.”

She shrugs dismissively, as if it were such a small matter to her. As if it were something that can be resolved in little to no time at all. She’s careless like that, and you guess that it’s your fault for even giving in to her, but admittedly it’s that very thing about her that made you do it in the first place.

Lift your head from your hands and turn to her with a glare blurred by your tears. “What the fuck about this is even? You ruined my marriage, Chaewon!”

“But you wanted me to, didn’t you?” She inquires you with a raise of her eyebrows.

You roll your eyes at her and sniffle, wiping your cheeks dry the best you can because deep down inside, in your heart of hearts, you know that she’s right.

————

There are many ways to describe Kim Chaewon, in both metaphorical and denotative manner. You’re no boyfriend nor family of hers—in a passerby’s perspective, you’re too old to be her boyfriend anyway, and too young to be her father—but you’ve known her for four years, starting from when she was nearly nineteen and a freshman at the university you taught at, to current time: a senior student of yours at twenty-one working towards a graduation, although she had finished your year some time ago and the two of you haven’t met each other that much ever since. That might seem like a pretty short time, but you know her more than anyone in the university. You knew what it is about her that caused her to fail so many courses and classes, and helped the other professors try and understand her the best you could.

So, in short, if anyone needed get-to-know details about Kim Chaewon, you are a reliable source.

You would not be afraid to describe her as impulsive or dangerous. Chaewon is young, yes, but she has that unique ability only experienced businessmen have to twist any situation at hand into one that puts her into a good light. Her classmates Jo Yuri and Kang Hyewon are often the ones victimized by this talent, and many times, you had needed to explain to the principal that they weren’t at fault. Kim Chaewon was. Of course, over time, the professors started to think that you might have had some grudge against her, probably stemmed from a rude commentary during class or her being… herself, but they were intelligent enough to know that you are right. And that you know her too well to let yourself be a victim of her. Kim Chaewon is a manipulator, and a good one at that. She has had her whole life to practice. She gets what she wants in whatever way she can think of and succeeds. But you, even with just four years of analyzing and studying her behavior, can play this game.

Charismatic is another word you are certain to use when explaining the depth of your former student. It might put you and your job in danger to say that, although your usage of the word is free of any other intention, and you and Chaewon haven’t even had any sexual relations or thought of each other that way, even with the obvious “tutoring sessions” the other teachers had, but it is as true as she is. She’s admittedly pretty. She has a deceptive smile and siren eyes that made you drown in her and never want to seek a lifeboat. She has this way with words that made it so that Creative Writing is one of the only subjects she didn’t fail, and charmingly coaxed people to let her off the hook. Many students thought that she had persuaded Mr. Choi by performing… oral sex on him, but you know it isn’t true. Chaewon is just that experienced in using her God-given charisma to make other people swerve her own way.

She’s a rebel, too. You always make note of that whenever you can. She dresses like one, acts like one, and speaks like one. She’s responsible for almost every vandal and moral violation in the university—from minor to serious offenses, playful “SIR LEE SUX ASSSSS!!!!” to straight-up nude pulp art on the university walls—and she… does not care. She doesn’t care at all. All she minds herself about is herself, and if she wants to go on another spray-painting spree or teacher intimidation, she will. And to hell with it if any other person stood in her way. To hell with it.

So it surprises you when she knocked on your door one fateful day, and you opened it to see a Kim Chaewon who—

“—want to babysit for you, sir Kim,” she finishes, smiling at you gently. She’s wearing a white crop top and‐ ooh, red short shorts that would not have been allowed past university premises. File your eyes away from that, of course, to the pair of shades sit on top of her head. “If it’s not much of a bother.”

It isn’t. Your two-year-old girl Yeongwon is an angel, but the demands of a baby make it difficult to go to work or return from work. There’s the changing of diapers, buying of baby formula, feeding—you get the drift. All that is exhausting, and you credit your wife Minju for bearing with it all alone while you teach at Seraphim Colleges.

You’re a little suspicious, though. Chaewon never offers help unless it benefits her. It is an unspoken rule not to trust her when she initiates am act of kindness out of nowhere. Even a lollipop from her should be questioned thoroughly.

“Why the sudden saintliness, Ms. Kim? Suddenly decided to become a nun after graduation?” you ask. It’s difficult not to smile amusedly, because you know her more than anyone. Does she really think her little tricks would work on you?

Chaewon ruffles her short hair and smiles charmingly, before telling you why: “I’ve been thinking about what you said, professor, about trying out kindness.”

Right, because she’s so easy to convince like that, and she’s actually able to be a genuine person. If it is unclear, all that is sarcastic. Again, Chaewon is not an easy girl to convince. You know that after numerous lectures and pleads with her to take her education seriously. And you know, most importantly, that she is not one to be trusted. Who knows what she might do with your baby? Or your house? She’d probably spray-paint mocking caricature of you and Minju.

“And I thought,” she continues, lowering her face so she can meet your eyes, “that you were the one I have to practice that to first. You always understood me when no one else could, sir. I just thought I might give back in my own little way.”

She’s not wrong. Like you’ve said quite often, you understand how she works and thinks, and as her teacher, you perform your job well in trying to get your fellow educators to figure out how to deal with her. It has cost you sleepless nights aplenty and several headaches, to put it briefly.

It won’t hurt to let her return the favor, would it?

You tell her you’ll think about it. Surprisingly, she easily allows you to, giving you a swift “okay” and telling you she’ll come back tomorrow to hear your final decision. She’s clever like that, casually inserting a deadline for you to have no choice but to follow. It’s not like you are being told to solve a cold case, so you actually do think it overnight with your wife.

Minju is getting ready for bed when you tell her about the incident with Chaewon. Her almond eyes are gazing the other way, in the closet in search of her pajamas, but you can tell she’s listening. Minju is one of those people that can do multiple things at the same time, including listen closely and decipher well despite a bunch of tasks at hand. Such are the lessons naturally taught when being a wife and mother.

She takes off her T-shirt the same time she takes the pajama top from the hanger. The upper half of her hourglass body is revealed to you. “It feels like a good thing to do, especially from her,” she says to you. “You should let her try, at least.”

“But honey, it’s Chaewon. The Kim Chaewon.”

“Exactly. She’s a rebel, a bad student. The nightmare of every old parent who’s nearly in the retirement home wishing to just see their kids grow up. Why don’t you offer her the chance to redeem herself?”

She faces you finally. She’s wearing her white pajama top littered with cartoon foxes and shorts. But even her beauty can’t even quench the worriedness written in your forehead.

“I don’t know,” you say, “I, I guess I’m just afraid she’ll vandalize our house or something.”

Minju nods sympathetically, but stays silent. She knows you are going to say something more. She confirms that from the heavy sigh you make.

“I just don’t want her to bother you, Minmin. You know that she swings the other way, too. Remember when I told you she was caught in a make-out session with the ballerina? What was her name? Nakamura—”

“Honey…” Minju’s brows raise disapprovingly. “Watch the wording. You know it isn’t like that.”

“I’m sorry,” say you, a person who’s never been good with words. Always saying the wrong things without meaning it.

“Just because she’s supposedly bisexual doesn’t mean she’ll make her advances towards me. That’s a horrible thing to assume. And even if we say she does, for argument’s sake, I’m twenty-seven. She’s twenty-one. I know better than to let some college student seduce me.”

A gorgeous roll of her eyes renders you dizzy as she takes a seat on your lap. She gives you a sweet smile. “Besides, I only have you.” Minju plays with your uniform tie, twirling it in between her fingers. “Remember?”

“Right. Sorry for the… misconceptions. And, and all that.”

“I know you are.” Minju plants a kiss on your forehead and pushes you down to the bed. Her smile takes a sinister twist and you notice her hand straying further down your body. “ I know you are. ”

#

Chaewon returns the day after, as she promised. She shows up in a fitted dark green-blue dress, that accents her slim figure. You once again have to give props to her fashion style: simple yet eye-catching. Not that the dress does majority of the eye-catching part. She can wear a potato sack and still look beautiful.

The day is fairly bright and so is your mood, so Chaewon showing up doesn’t sour it even a little. Even with the worries tucked at the back of your mind.

“Reached a final decision, professor?” Chaewon asks.

“Yeah, I have.”

“And?”

“Minju and I figured that we could use the help.”

You subtly sense that Chaewon knew all along that you were going to agree, but she is so happy to find out that you and Minju have agreed to let her babysit Yeongwon that you forget all about your suspicion. Her smile is so genuine, so delighted that you dwell a little longer on the thought that this might finally be Chaewon’s path to a better self. No one stays a rebel too long after college. The spray-painting and risky shouts usually evolve into even worse habits once graduation settles in, so you are truly glad that Chaewon has decided to be a good girl. Maybe she’ll even complete the full arc of bad-girl-gone-good.

You give her the usual list of warnings and guides about your daughter. Bedtime is at seven, fish sticks are a good go-to for snacks, and no sweets. Chaewon makes a note of that, literally. She pulls out a notepad and writes it all down, nodding to your words. You wonder if this little babysitting gig will eventually get her to dutifully take notes like that in class, too.

“All done! When do I start?” she asks brightly, lowering her papers.

“Tomorrow, if that’s okay,” you respond. Her hands linger around her notepad. You catch a glimpse of a checklist of things she should do scribbled on another page. Wait a minute, is that your name? It says to do something to you… is that… “Hey, Chaewon, what do you have written on the—”

“Good! I’ll see you tomorrow, sir!” Chaewon interrupts happily. She gives you a cute wave goodbye, and walks away without letting you finish.

Your mind is still stuck on what she could have written on the checklist about you. It specifically said to do something to you. But you can’t remember what the verb was. It started with “f.” Free… no, must be fall—? Not quite right, but if things take a twisted turn it must be—

Oh well. You give up. She probably wanted to try the babysitting job for a long time. It’s not something worth worrying about.