My Jamais Vu

My Jamais Vu

Word count: 7.4K

“Jamais vu (French for "never seen") is the, often unsettling, experience of feeling intense unfamiliarity with a person, word, or place that is actually well-known to you.”

“Here is the key, rent is due the 1st of each month and you pay your own utilities.” The middle-aged landlord hands me the key to my new home, “And you do share this apartment with another roommate, they’ve been here for a while already, you guys can talk on your own. I have to take care of stuff from other residents.” He gives me a firm handshake, before turning his body and walking toward his car in heavy breaths. The keys feel cold on my palm despite it being a summer afternoon, like a freezing stare that warns me I don’t belong to here yet.

I am an odd one. Kicked out because I said no to med school and no to my parents’ university list. Now I’m here—suburban apartment, dining-hall shifts, and monthly phone lectures by parents disguised as “charity.” Well, I have to take it because if I can get some money from them while getting lectured, why not? Survival is the plan. Future? TBD. Maybe after I survive the final couple months of community college and pay back my loans.

“Sigh, I guess I am on my own now.” The messy thoughts just won’t shut up in my brain, so I prop the apartment door open and start unloading my luggage from the car I borrowed from a friend. Inside, the hallway light flickers once, then steadies. Someone is already home.

-

“Hey! You must be my new roommate! Nice to meet you, my name is Gaeul.” By the time I step back inside with the last bag, a girl is already standing by the kitchen island, greeting me with a warm smile. Her outfit is very casual, a simply white T-shirt with an unzipped jacket and pair of jeans. Her eyes winks behind her glasses – makeup minimal, long hair that’s dyed pink naturally fall to the side of her shoulders.

“Oh hey! Sorry for getting stuff messy! Hi Gaeul, nice to meet you too!” I quickly introduce myself, and based on the conversation, Gaeul should be my noona. And indeed, I can catch a bit of those caring vibes inside her.

“Are you still in school? Or what do you do for a living?” Gaeul hands me a cup of ice water, perfect for this hot weather. I finish half of the cup in one big gulp, explaining how I ended up here.

“Aw… parental pressure, I see.” Her smile is still genuine, no judges, no comments, just welcoming and polite. “How about you? Gaeul-noona, what do you do?” I shut the door behind me as I finally move the last luggage inside of the apartment.

“You don’t have to be so formal, Gaeul is fine.” She giggles, cheeks tinting just a little. “And me? I write songs, and I sing.”

“Ah, so you are a musician!” I respond.

“Hehehe… part time musician is more accurate, gotta pay the bills first, you know.” Gaeul laughs shyly, like I just handed her the biggest compliment in years. “Most of the time I work at that pub across the block, serving, cashier kinda stuff.”

“I see I see, well, I gotta start tidying up my stuff before it gets too late. Will talk to you more later!” I give her a polite nod while standing up from the couch, offering my hand. Gaeul shakes my hand very lightly, her cold skin contrasts with her warm smile.

“Okie, I won’t bother you then. Let me know if you need anything, ok?” Gaeul then heads back to her own room, leaving the door slightly ajar. I kneel on the carpet and unzips my suitcases, the apartment is very clean and neat – minimal in decorations but the carpet is soft and fluffy, walls white without a single stain, the dishes are organized nicely on the shelf.

I feel a really cautious sense of relief as I step in my room. Maybe about 150 square feet in size? The landlord was kind enough to leave a bed with mattress, a wardrobe and a desk in the room. I stuff the clothes into the wardrobe, pillows and sheet on the bed, push the empty suitcase beneath the bed and that’s basically it for my move in. Well, what more do you expect from a broke ass college student? My bone starts to protest after this long way, so I stretch my body and let the bed embrace me.

I suddenly think of Gaeul. Well, at least I got a really quiet and nice roommate. Not like the ones who drinks and parties with their friends in a shared space. “Don’t get too attached though, she is just a roommate being nice.” I remind myself.

-

The following a few weeks are pretty monotone, I have minimal interaction with Gaeul anyways. I wake up each morning, feeling light-headed and muscles aching, but life goes on, isn’t it? I walk to my college across the street, finish those classes that God knows if they are useful in real life then I dip. Maybe a quick snack or lunch? Then I work to the cafeteria style dining hall in my school until dusk. 5 days a week, 6 hours per day. Since Gaeul works the night shift in the pub, she usually already left by the time my tired body arrives at the apartment. And similarly, when I get up, her bedroom is closed, occasional snoring sounds as I pass by her door for washroom.

Maybe she is really tired as well.

Over the weekends, I just stay in my room, writing fictions or just play games with my friends online as a coping mechanism. Meanwhile, Gaeul uses her free time doing her music stuff. I see a guitar stand in her room, as the guitar sits on her laps, her headphone is on while making her music.

We sometimes order takeouts together, quoting Gaeul, it is “splitting to lower the delivery fee”. Or we sometimes just eat at a different time. Even if we eat together, the conversation is minimal. Maybe a simple “How’s your week?”, plus some “Not bad, yourself?”. She never asks me about my school work or my cafeteria shift. I feel odd to start the conversation too, so neither do I ask about her “music production.” That is good, roommates are just roommates, an appropriate boundary is always the way to go.

There is just one thing odd.

Her kindness.

I feel like Gaeul is being too nice. We cook our own meals and share the fridge, that is normal. But starting the second week after I moved in? Sometimes when I opened the fridge, there would be a sticky note on some container. It either says something like “Don’t skip breakfast!”, or “I cooked extra food in the blue container, feel free to eat it before it expires! :)”.

Each time, I devour the food without thinking too much, I told myself, “She’s just being a good roommate, don’t read into it. People like Gaeul is just nice to everyone, I’m not an exception. I should instead be grateful for having roommate like her.”

Until today. I drag my almost-dead body back from a long cafeteria shift as usual – was assigned to carry the milk from the delivery truck to the storage for a minimum hourly wage. I yank the fridge open with rage, only to see a dozen-pack of Celsius with another sticky note on it. “I bought this after shift last night, there was a promotion, I thought you’d like it. Drink as many as you want. – G.”

How does she know I like Celsius? I feel confused, but cracking one open anyway. The familiar spark hits my tongue, and for a second the exhaustion eases. Then the thought creeps in: “She remembered. From that first night.” I swallow hard. On the night I moved in, Gaeul cooked us some hearty, comforting dish, saying it was her “Welcoming of the new member of the apartment.” She asked me what drink I wanted; I then casually slipped the fact that I am a hardcore caffeine addict so she handed me a can of Celsius. “Caffeine really helps sometimes, huh? I don’t drink energy drinks so I won’t get to taste this, I guess. My friend gave this to me but now it’s yours!”

“Yay! Thank you Gaeul, this is fire.” I took the Celsius, chugged it in a blink of an eye. “You know? This taste so much better than that cheap ass brewed coffee they offer in my cafeteria, but they are free because I work there, so I guess why not?”

“Hehehe, don’t be too strict to yourself, treat yourself better! Buy what you want to drink, you know.” Gaeul giggles.

“Nah… maybe when my life gets less messy.”

…

I try to stay up late until Gaeul is back so I can thank her in person, but my exhausted body eventually give in and sleep claims me. The next time I open my eyes, I am lying on the couch in the living room, with a blanket on my body. I stand up and scan the darkness around me; there is some faint light beneath Gaeul’s bedroom door: she is still awake.

Her door is shut, but I walk to her room regardless. I lean on the door to see if she is making music so I know if I should knock or not. Nothing but some light humming – maybe chilling after work? I hesitate, hand already on the cold, steel door handle. Am I overstepping? Am I just thinking too much? Gaeul buys roommate the drink he likes because there is a promotion, it is not that big of a deal, right? She is just too nice. Why can’t she just be a jerk so I don’t have to feel this?

I can feel my face blush, just a little bit though. I eventually fold. I scribble the note on a sticky pad, the pen scratching louder than usual in the quiet apartment. My handwriting looks shaky. I stick it on the fridge next to her last one, the ink still wet.

“Thank you so much Gaeul, let me know how much it is so I can pay you back!”

I wait. Ten minutes past. Then ten more. The light through Gaeul’s door gap doesn’t get dimmer, and she also doesn’t come outside. I feel like my eyes don’t want to stay open anymore, so I escape back to my room.

-

I hear the door of his bedroom is closed, I finally stand up from my bed and reach for my door handle gently. I don’t want to wake him up. I saw him falling asleep on the couch earlier when I got back from work, he must be having a tough day.

I walk outside towards the kitchen, barefooted, it’ll be really awkward if he comes out right now. Oh goodness, he turned his light off already. I don’t see any light through his bedroom door. I open the fridge while having my eyes closed. I bought this Celsius drink that he mentioned during the first dinner we had that he’s obsessed with it. Am I being too much? Would it make things more awkward? Oh no… what should I do if he just didn’t see them? What if he just ignored because he felt like I am crossing boundaries?

I have no idea.

Like a child blushing for a surprise Christmas Gift, I slowly open my eyes. The box had been opened; he took a can. Oh! There is a sticky note, what does it say?

“Thank you so much Gaeul, let me know how much it is so I can pay you back!”

Oh boy, you definitely don’t have to be this gentle. But why am I blushing so hard? It is not the first time this happened though. Let me recall where did it all start.

Maybe it was when you were moving in? Hehehe…. You called me noona, very gentle yet a bit restraint. You just talked about your life, your parental problems, being forced to move out? And just the bare minimum financial support? That’s really cruel. But I adore your courage to take on challenges from life to get what you want. I saw a version of myself in you.

The version of myself who refused a full-time job offer – way higher wage than this pub job – to pursue my song writing dream. Maybe the suffer will all be worth it one day? I don’t know. But at least we always have to try.

I heard you once mentioned that you skip breakfast regularly just for 10 minutes of extra sleep. Gosh! What did life do to this poor boy? I guess making extra food while I am cooking and save it for my roommate isn’t crossing personal boundaries, right? I’m not sure. I can always see the container being washed and drained on the counter when I’m up. But I can’t see your thoughts.

I hope you maybe just treat me as a kind noona who cares about her roommate, I don’t want to get things complicated, what if you also have feelings for me? Oh Gaeul, please don’t be that naïve to yourself.