Three Question Marks

Jimin was inside the documentation office, sorting the files inside one of the steel cabinets they had.

She didn’t even need to do it. But she was done with her tasks for that morning, and the next ones would only roll in once the patrol officers from the morning schedules came back to report something. Or anyone, really.

Basically, it was a slow day and Jimin made the mistake of finishing her tasks too quickly.

Because she needed to do something to occupy her thoughts. Not that she was back to only thinking about bad things. She was just… thinking about Minjeong too much and if she didn’t stop herself then she would succumb to her delusions and will forever be doomed by the ideas she was feeding herself.

Then Jimin would have no one else to blame but herself. She had enough of that, quite frankly.

So it was either she had to find a way to be busy with work, or guiltily daydream about her beach wedding with her neighbor.

Sometimes, she wished she could put her head inside the steel cabinet and ram the drawer multiple times until her head came off. She really needed to stop thinking about these things.

And this was only happening to her because they were getting closer, being more comfortable with each other and spending meals together.

As friends.

“As friends, Jimin,” she hissed at herself through her thoughts. She sighed, closed her eyes for a bit, and dropped her head on the cold surface of the cabinet.

It could also be because her feelings have been getting deeper. Something she was still unsure of. And it was troubling her because she didn’t know if she could control it.

And the dreams.

Quite frankly, her dreams have been the same, even with the progression of her relationship with the real-life Minjeong, the scenarios in the dreams never changed. Nothing changed in the dialogue, nor were there any specific events.

The only thing that would mix up was the field they were in. Sometimes it would snow, sometimes it would be spring, sometimes it would be autumn. There would be flowers, or dried leaves. It was always outdoors, underneath a tree.

Minjeong had looked the same since the first dream. Shoulder length hair, bright brown, something like chestnuts, her smile was still soft, her hands were softer, her voice too soft. Soft enough to make Jimin lean into it as if it was real. It felt too real.

But it was the same as her nightmares. Nothing changed, everything was the same, the only thing that made it different was where she woke up.

Was it going to be on the floor again? On one of the benches? In the middle of the tracks?

Jimin sighed. She was only half way through the day and she was tired.

There was a knock coming from the doorway and Jimin lifted her head to check who it was.

“Yu, Sarge called. She said to come to her office,” Jaemin informed her, standing awkwardly there, lips forming into a thin line.

“Great,” she said in her head. But she kept a straight face and bowed at the officer. “Alright, thanks Na.”

He bowed as well, leaving his spot to go back to work.

Jimin walked over to her desk to remove her glasses and placed it gently over her paperwork. She took a moment, taking in deep breaths and exhaling, wanting to compose herself or maybe brace herself for whatever the sergeant wanted to talk about.

She already had an idea what Sergeant Moon wanted to talk about.

With another sigh, she fixed herself and walked out of the documents office, beelining towards the sergeant’s office.

From outside, Jimin saw the sergeant on her table, writing something. She lifted her fist and knocked on the doorjamb twice before sticking her head in.

The sergeant immediately looked up and smiled at Jimin. “Ah, Yu. Come in,” she said, standing up from her seat briefly and they both bowed at each other. Then the sergeant gestured her to the chair in front of her desk. “Take a seat.”

“Thank you, Sarge,” Jimin said before sitting down. She fixed her posture after settling in and pursed her lips. “What can I do for you?”

Sergeant Moon sat back on her seat and shrugged. “Just wanted to check on you.”

She wanted to scoff at that, knowing very well that wasn’t the only reason.

Before Jimin replied, she noticed a toy hamster on top of her desk, like the ones that someone got from blind boxes. That made Jimin tilt her head at it, it was kind of out of place for their sergeant to have. “I didn’t know you liked these,” she said, pointing at the toy. They were close enough with their sergeant to say things that were not work related or were a bit laxed despite their positions.

Sergeant Moon did a double take at what she was pointing at. But when she realized what it was, she rolled her eyes. “That’s probably from Uchinaga. That little shit,” she huffed, but shook her head and looked at Jimin again. “Anyway, how are you?”

“I’m okay,” Jimin responded immediately, quite used to the question already. “I’ve been okay.”

“Okay enough to go back on field?”

That took her by surprise, not expecting the sergeant to jump the gun already. Jimin opened her mouth to speak but she wasn’t sure how to respond. If she should be honest or not.

“I… I don’t know, Sarge,” she managed to say, looking down at her hands. “My therapist hasn’t said anything yet,” she muttered. Jimin knew that answer wasn’t going to be enough.

Sergeant Moon fixed herself on her seat again, leaning her elbows on her desk. “Maybe you can ask her again?”

Jimin felt a bit panicked by the sergeant’s questions, nervous if she was going to say the right thing. “I mean, I can try.” Then she paused, biting her bottom lip and the words that were in her head slipped out. “But we haven’t really progressed.”

The sergeant didn’t respond immediately, she took a moment, exhaled through her nostrils, and placed her hands out. “Look, I know what happened was pretty rough, but I really do believe that you should be back on the field,” she tried to say gently. “The team is nothing with you. You and Uchinaga are the best ones in the team, but she can’t do it on her own all the time.”

“Sarge—”

“I just…” Sergeant Moon interrupted her, but it wasn't aggressive. Just enough to stir Jimin’s anxiety at a slow pace. The sergeant took a breath. “I just need you to reconsider, okay?” Jimin couldn’t breathe, but the sergeant continued. “Because there’s no one who’s capable of taking your place. Not even the people on desk work. You’re too good for them.”

Jimin was really taken aback by all of this.

Sure, the sergeant had been patient about this since it started; her paid leave, when they had to put her in office work because the therapist advised she shouldn’t be out on the field and when Jimin had to allot some work days in the week to meet her therapist.

Or when Jimin couldn’t take in certain tasks because she was under medication.

And maybe being out of the game for a year was already making her superior impatient. But Jimin didn’t want to expect too much nor blame her. Not everyone was born to understand this situation fully.

Jimin lifted her head, not wanting to show any emotions and just nodded. “I understand, Sarge.”

The sergeant took a moment and sighed. She leaned forward again and placed her hands out. “Hey, I’m only saying this because despite the things that happened to you, I’m confident in your capabilities to overcome them,” she said gently again. “I really, really believe in you Jimin.”

She felt herself choke when Sergeant Moon said that. Everything was conflicting.

Jimin thought it was unfair for the sergeant to just expect her to be fine and ready with a snap of a finger. But then she would say things that were too sincere and Jimin wanted to accept it wholeheartedly.

A part of her felt like she was being deadweight, and everyone just wanted her to finally pick up her slack.